Where the Dust Blows Thick
by crappydestielfanfics
Summary: In this Supernatural AU Dean and Cas are in the military. They meet up on their way to their tour and end up having to be partners. Dean has been struggling with his sexuality, but finds himself drawn to Cas. Things definitly don't turn out how either of them imagined.
1. Gone to War

Dean felt the wheels of the car skid across the pavement as they pulled into the air base. Quickly, he unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the truck. Looking around he took in the new environment. The place was big, like any military airfield should be. There were people everywhere, frantically getting ready for the flight that would soon depart. He saw supply trucks probably filled with various boxes probably food and ammunition.

He followed the other men and got into formation, still looking around at it all. Tightening his muscles and looking straight forward, Dean saluted his captain before walking with the other men towards one of the hangers. Hearing the marching steps of his group, Dean saw the large plane that would change his life. He was going to war.

Castiel had been formation for what seemed like eternity. They were waiting for the last group of men to arrive before taking off. Although he was nervous about going into an open combat zone, at this point, he just wanted to take his seat on the plane and relax, even if it was just for a bit.

Growing up, Castiel never imagined himself joining the Armed Forces. But once he became an adult he felt like he owed something to his country. The jorney had been anything but easy. He had been training for mounts for this tour. He had ran countless miles, done countless push-ups, pull-ups, sit ups, and shot countless rounds. He spent hours in the classroom learning military history, tactics, and safety. But it was all worth it, and now he was ready to go off and save the world. Or so he was told.

People always glorified the soldier. Castiel never really thought it was as glamorous as people made it out to be. He was a good man, who wanted to serve his country. He was thankful for what God had graced him with, he was thankful for his family, his life, his education, and the peace and safety he had in his own country. And he wanted to be a part of providing that safety for others. But never once did he think of himself as a hero, or someone special for doing this. He just thought he was doing what he owed.

He heard the familiar loud boot steps that could be only one thing, the last group. With a sigh of relief, Castiel straightened up as he saw the final captain arrive.

"Captain Herolds with battalion 189-C." The man said as his group stopped and turned in perfect unison.

"I believe Lieutenant Winchester has a something to say," the captain's voice was booming as he pointed to a man down the line. A man stepped forward. He was not the center of attention as all the men lined up turned their gaze towards him.

"Commander, I apologise for making you and the rest of the men here wait," the man said as if he had rehearsed it a million times before.

"And why exactly did you make your battalion late Lieutenant?" The commander questioned with a look of anger in his eyes.

"I can't help it if I have a nervous bladder Commander, can I?" Lieutenant Winchester replied this time with a hint on laughter in his voice. Around him Cas heard the other men laugh quietly before getting a glare from the Commander causing their amusement to quickly vanish.

"Get back in your place, you have made us late already! And I hope your nerves are gone by the time we arrive," the commander said, pacing in front of the perfectly still rows of men before him as Winchester stepped back in his place, a smirk spreading across his face.

"This is war were going into. No time for fun and games like you little brats are used to. People are going to get hurt; people are going to die. Not all of you are going to make it home, and if you do, you can bet you're gonna be a hell of a lot different than when you arrived." The Commander turned to look at all of them before saluting and turning to walk into the plane.

There was definitely a new tension forming amongst the men. This was all suddenly becoming very real. Soon they would be out in a whole new world facing countless dangers every day.

Castiel looked back at the man who had held them up. The man, whose name he had forgotten. He looked ridged now, like all the other men, with the smirk whipped clean off his face. He wondered if the man had been telling the truth before. 'Had he really been that nervous? He's gonna have to either fix that, or learn to deal with that before he actually goes into battle and decides to stop the whole thing in order to pee.' The thought made Castiel laugh a bit, tilting his head down and smiling. The voice of one of the captains brought him back to reality, "Novack! Is something funny?"

"No Sir." Castiel replied, face wiped stone cold but inside he was full of nerves.

"That's what I thought." Sneered his superior. Heading towards the ramp of the plane the captain shouted, "Now you all have been given your seat assignment. Everyone with an even numbered seat, when you find your spot, turn to your left and you will find your new best friend. You two will share a tent, do chores together, eat at the same time, shower at the same time, and be in change or keeping a sharp eye on each other in battle. Take the time to get to know one another on the plane. Because believe me, you're gonna want to get along, cuz you won't be leaving each other's side." And with that, the captain marched up into the plane and was gone.

The men looked around quickly deciding it was ok to relax and pick up their bags. Talking amongst the men resumed and a dull roar sounded in the hanger as men carried themselves up the ramp, talking the whole way aboard.

Castiel was usually a solitary man. That's one thing that particularly worried him about being in war, being a team player. 'It's not like I can't do it,' he had thought countless times throughout his training, 'I'm just not used to it.' Remembering his training, and how much work he put into this, he knew he could do it. Castiel was smart, very smart. He was used to doing things alone, and relying on himself. He had a lot of siblings. And they had always managed to get through chores and life together, maybe like a team.

As he entered the plane Castiel glanced at his paper '67' it read. He looked at the numbers walking around seeing other men find their places. Seeing others calm and in their spot made him feel a bit distant. He wanted to be in his spot, in his place, comfortable. But despite his knowledge that he could be a team player, he always felt like an outsider. He's never really fit in. But he really hoped finally, here, he would.

Soon, he found seat 67 and took his place. He stowed his bad below his seat and got comfortable, looking around to try to see who was going to be sitting on his right. He hoped to god it would be someone manageable. Someone who was different than him. A true team player, who could show him how it's done. Someone who could be his 'best friend'. As he was looking around, he felt someone sit down next to him, and looked over.

The man looked up at him with wide green eyes. He gave Castiel a warm smile saying, "So I see your on my left, I guess were going to be best friends now, aren't we." Laughing, the man stuck out his hand, Castiel received it, feeling the firm grasp shake his hand, "I'm Winchester, Dean Winchester."

Dean was nervous. He was trying hard as hell to appear cool and calm for his new partner. He wanted the guy to like him, he wanted this to be easy and for this whole tour to go smoothly. But he knew they never did. Someone always got hurt, or died. After releasing the other man's soft hand he nervously rubbed his palms against his pants looking down saying, "So, you have a name?"

"Oh- uh" the other man replied. Dean looked up to see the man nervously looking at him saying, "Yea sorry. Novak. Castiel Novak."

"So Cas, come here often, or is this your first time too?" Dean asked trying to stay relaxed. He heard the plane door close as they all settled in. Fastening his seatbelt, Dean remembered that this wasn't like a normal plane ride. There would be no stewardesses, no peanuts in a bag, no TV on the head of the chair. Just 17 hours of turbulence, nerves, anxiety, trying to get to know your new partner, and pretending he can actually sleep on a plane.

Their conversation was interrupted by safety instructions. And men getting back up to properly stow their bags away. It took a few minutes, but eventually they began rolling out of the hanger.

"So like I said, you done this before?"

"Yea, uh- I mean, no this is my first time too." The man looked terrified. But maybe he always looked, Dean thought. He had dark hair and light eyes that looked big with nervousness. "But I think I'm ready you know, I mean we've all had our fair amount of training I suppose." Dean watched as the man tried to sound confident, but he knew it was just a wall. And hell, he knew he was just as nervous.

"Yea, I guess you're right. But you never really know what it's going to be like really." They had all heard the stories. In the news, from friends, family. It's hard to go a day without seeing something about Americas "heroes". Dean was excited to do his part, but he knew it was risky and was going to be the hardest thing he would ever do. He hoped to hell this new guy, Cas would be good for him. Someone who could help him, support him, and was a good shot. "I mean we all hear what they say in the news, people getting captured, tortured, shot, wounded, exploded... killed." Dean drifted off, resuming his nervous habit with his hands.

"Yea... I guess." Cas mumbled, "but we should be fine... right?"

"Yea! I mean, you've got me as a partner! You'll be fine!" He exclaimed, trying to sound confident as he patted Cas's knee, "So, why don't we change the subject. Hmmm let's see," Dean considered, trying to think of something to brighten their mood. To momentarily distract them from the fact that they would soon be in the midst of battle. "Hey, got a favourite sport?"

Castiel looked up, thankful for the change of subject. "Well, I mean I'm not really into watching sports. I played soccer for like three years when I was in high school, but..."

"Hey, well that's cool! I love soccer! It's actually my favourite sport! Maybe if we have some free time while were on tour, we can play a few games with the other guys. Schools are always sending sports equipment to soldiers!" Dean was clearly very into sports, well at least soccer Cas thought. At least they had something they could talk about. Castiel's brothers loved soccer, and had played all their lives and watched every game they could. So by sibling osmosis, he knew quite a bit about the sport's various teams, well, enough to keep up with Dean. "My favorite team is Germany," Dean continued, "I would love to go there one day and watch them play at home." Castiel could see the joy and excitement in Dean's face.

"That would be quite amazing," Castiel replied, "Do you travel a lot?"

"Eh, not really. My mom died when I was young, so it's just been my dad with my brother and I. Money has always been tight. So I haven't had the chance to travel abroad. But I've been just about everywhere in America!"

Cas was startled by how easily Dean glazed over the death of his mother. But Cas expected Dean was used the topic being brought up, and had blocked most emotional response to it.

"I'm sorry about your mom," Castiel said softly, looking up at Dean.

"Its ok man, it was a long time ago, and my brother and dad are great! How about you, travel much?"

In truth, Cas had travelled, a lot. His parents were well off, to say the least. And despite having six siblings, his parents never missed a travel season. Taking them all over the world. He had so far been to Asia, Europe, South America, and to a few countries in North America like Canada and Guatemala.

"I've travelled a bit. It's one thing my family actually all likes to do."

"Dude, that's awesome! Yea, I really want to explore the world, you know? When I get enough money, that's what I'm going to do, travel the world! I think that is one of the reasons why I was so keen in joining the army, I get to see a new part of the world."

Cas loved traveling, it really was one of his favourite things to do. So he was happy he might be able to discuss their travel goals together and dream of epic trips.

"Yea, I think I would like doing that too." Cas said thinking about how cool it would be to go on his own trip around the world.

"Ok!" Dean exclaimed, sticking his hand out once more, "It's a date, you and me. When we get back, we're gonna travel the world."

Seeing no other option Cas took his hand and shook, smiling at the idea. 'A date...' He thought, 'well... Maybe- no.' Cas thought, throwing the idea out of his head.

"And I'll take you to that soccer game I was talking about. That will be the first thing we do, start it off with a bang!"

Cas looked over at Dean who had a wide smile across his golden skin. He was a dreamer, that's for sure. But that meant he was adventurous, and took risks, more so that Castiel usually did. And he was into sports, so he was a team player, 'thank God,' Cas thought, smiling back at Dean, his might not be so bad.

The plain began to speed up and shook as they began speeding across the run way. Cas could see men around him saying their prayers for a safe flight. He looked over at Dean whose face had now relaxed. He looked calm. Pretty calm considering what they were going into, but maybe that would be a good thing. He felt the plain lift off the ground rising steadily into the air. Cas tried to pop his ears on the way up, that always annoyed the hell out of him. After a few minutes, the plain levelled out and they were on their way.

Dean ended up chatting about for a couple of hours while Cas listened intently and occasionally interjected. Dean was pleased that he and his new partner were getting along, and it seemed that they may make a pretty good team.

The ride was pretty smooth. There was one point about an hour over the Atlantic that the turbulence started really going, but it quickly passed, it seemed to the relief of all the men on board. They ended up getting water and various other snacks passed out about seven hours into the flight, but there were no peanuts, but Dean remembered again, this wasn't a normal flight. He was most of all thankful that he didn't have to take a piss yet, he took care of that earlier.

"So, do you have anyone waiting for you when you get home?" dean asked, turning to Cas.

"I mean, yea. I guess my family?" Cas shrugged answering the question.

"No man, I mean like a girl or something"

Cas wasn't too keen on the fact that only seven hours into his tour, he was being asked about his dating habits, and e.g. his sexuality. He thought he would manage to at least wait a bit longer before this conversation came up, and at least he would be able to lie pretty easily about it, or just change the subject if the others kept prying. But he thought Dean's question was pretty ambiguous, and deserved a pretty honest answer.

"Oh, well no. I guess not." Cas answered looking away from Dean, pausing before continuing, "So, how about you? Do you have a girl waiting for you at home, or a guy…? I guess?"

"Ha! No man, unfortunately I don't have either."

Cas was surprised at the other man's ease over the boyfriend part, and greatly relieved for that. He always made a point to not make judgments about other people.

"I mean, I did…" Dean continued, looking away as he brought his hand through his hair, before nervously rubbing them on his thighs. "She was pretty great, he body man..." Dean paused for a second, not knowing what to say. Cas felt pretty awkward. It wasn't really his thing to talk about how gorgeous of a body some woman had. It didn't really ever do anything for him besides make him uncomfortable.

"Was she nice, funny, smart" Cas questioned, trying to act interested in Dean's previous relationships.

"Oh well, I mean, it wasn't really that kind of relationship." Dean clearly was embarrassed and started jittering his leg.

"I mean she was hot as hell, but pretty much only good for a good fuck."

"I see," Cas mumbled, wishing immediately they never started talking about this. He didn't really like how Dean was referring to this woman, but who knows, maybe they both wanted it that way.

"Anyway, she was good, um at a lot of… things," Dean said blushing, "But I don't think I can go for just that anymore, you know? I need something more."

Dean was telling the truth, but he left out some minor details. That girl was really pretty great, well in the bed at least. But Dean knew that couldn't keep him happy forever. And he also started noticing a few other things about himself.

At first, he tried to blame it on him drinking, he was at a bar the first time it happened, but he knew that was a lie. He started noticing guys. Everything about them, suddenly they were what captured his attention. He wasn't really paying attention to the girl across the room's rack or the long hair of the girl smiling at him. Dean began to look at the shoulders of the guy sitting at the bar. The jawline and the arms of the man playing pool.

It was pretty confusing for him, but he couldn't say he was surprised. These things had happened before. And always at the worst times. He was on the soccer team when he was in High School, and sometimes the locker room got a bit too hot for his comfort. But he always tried to push that away like it was nothing.

"So how bout you? Had any good fucks lately," Dean asked, trying to forget about himself for a minute.

"Um, yea…" Cas replied, "I mean, yea…"

"Was she just good in bed, or was she more than that," Dean asked.

"Um, well," Cas paused, trying to think of how to put it. He didn't like lying about his sexuality. He wanted to be an example of someone who wasn't afraid of who he was or what could happen to him because of that, "He was good, overall I mean. I just-"

"Oh," Dean mumbled softly.

Cas immediately regretted what he had just said, he knew he shouldn't have said it. His friends had warned him, men at war never want to hear about the fag they have to fight with. 'God I'm fucked.' Cas thought. He suddenly got up, knowing he needed to quickly escape this awkwardness, and headed towards the bathroom. "Um, I have to use the restroom... Sorry."

The line was about three men deep, so at least he would be able to stall for time. Castiel hoped this really wasn't going to be a problem. As far as he knew, Dean was currently asking to switch partners, and he would be red flagged and everyone would avoid him. Four months of relentless fag jokes was going to suck Castiel thought. Looking around, he saw all the other men on board. Some were sleeping, but most were chatting away. He wished life was simpler, and that he could be like everyone else. As the line shortened Cas felt his heart racing faster and faster. He tried to stay calm. He didn't want to lose it here, in front of everyone. Feeling his abdomen fill with pain his breathing quickened. The room swayed as his vision fuzzed over a bit. 'Shit,' he thought. Cas hated having panic attacks, but if he ever was going to have one, this was the time. Everything was fucking ruined. He could see himself at camp being beat and kicked by the other men as they spit on him and shouted slurs. Just as he began hyperventilating, the door opened and he ran in.

Leaning over the sink he tried to concentrate and control his breathing. His breath shook as he started choking on the air. After a few tense seconds, he was able to slowly begin to calm down. He immediately splashed his face with the cool water. Feeling the chill calm him just enough as he looked at his reflection. He looked tired, and worried, he looked like shit. But he had to go back out there and continue with this. There was no turning back. All of them were in this for the long haul. Trying to gain all confidence, Cas stood up straight, and left the stall. He quickly walked back to his seat, and was surprised to see Dean still sitting there, in the exact same position as before.

"So why'd you break up?" Dean said, looking over at Cas.

The question took Cas off guard. He was expecting much worse. He didn't know expected exactly but it was a lot more life ending. Cas just sat there for a few moments trying to gather his thoughts and untimatly forgetting what Dean had even asked him.

"W-what?"

"Why'd you and your boyfriend break up?"

So he had heard him right. 'Is he really ok with this,' Cas thought.

"I mean, I liked him, a lot. And he loved me… but he just wasn't right, you know?"

Dean sat their thinking about what Cas had said. He knew exactly what Cas meant, and he felt the exact same way.

"I do," Dean said, "More so than you will ever know."

For the next few minutes Dean listened to the dull rumble of the engines and that chatting going on around him. Soon he realized how tired, and that it would probably be a good idea to sleep for a bit, even though he knew he had never been able to do it before on a plane. Shutting his eyes, Dean let his mind wander he thought about what it would be like at war, and if he was really prepared. He thought about his family at home, and was even looking forward to getting letters from them all. And he thought of Cas. He was thankful that he was his partner. He knew he was lucky for that. Cas seemed like a pretty cool guy. He knew this whole thing was going to be hard, but he was thankful for how it seemed to be going so far.


	2. We're Here

"Rise and shine sleeping beauties, were here!" One of the other men said as Dean felt his shoulder being shook.

"Awww, don't wake them! They look so cuttteeee!" Someone else joked.

Dean was momentarily confused until he realized he was sleeping on Cas's shoulder. Groggily he pulled his head up trying to wake himself up before turning to Cas. Shaking Cas's leg he said "Hey man, wake up, were here."

Cas slowly woke up to Dean's voice and a hand shaking him up. "Wha-t, are we there yet?"

"Yup Novak, and you and pretty boy here seem to be getting pretty cozy during your 'quality time', now get up, and get going!"

Cas was confused, really confused, 'Cozy…' he thought, "What the hell was that about?" Cas asked Dean, "What is he talking about?"

They both reached for their bags under their chairs before heading out of the aircraft with the rest of the men, "Well, I man have fallen asleep on your shoulder… and you may have been leaning pretty closely to me as well…"

"Oh god," Cas groaned, "Its already starting, hasn't it?"

"Hey, don't worry man, they're just messing around!" Dean replied, swinging his bag over his shoulder.

"Crap man," Dean said, looking around as he stepped off the plane, "We're really here,"

Before them were countless men, clad in sandy colored uniforms, with helmets, bullet proof vest, and guns. They began lining up as jeeps sped by carrying different loads of supplies. They saw more vehicles line up around them, probably preparing them to their specific camps. The main thing they noticed was the desert, and the heat.

It was beautiful here, like a whole other world. This was definitely going to be a life changing experience, for the both of them, "I guess this is it man," Dean said looking at Cas, "This is where everything is going to change."

The ride through the desert was long, hot, and rough. The roads weren't quite as smooth as they were back home, or as paved. It was a bumpy ride to say the least. But it was at least interesting to watch the landscape change around them. This place was completely different, like nothing they had ever seen or experienced before. 'At least it's not humid,' Dean thought, noticing the dryness in the air. As they swerved around a corner sharply and came to a sudden stop, Cas rammed into Dean.

"Oh crap, I'm sorry, are you ok?" Cas looked up at Dean with worry in his eyes.

"Yea, don't sweat it Cas, I'll be fine," Dean answered rubbing his arm and shoulder.

Castiel smiled in response. He saw some men leaving the other vehicles but knew they were supposed to stay put. They were the last stop, so they must be almost there he thought. They began moving again as Castiel began thinking about his new nickname, 'Cas… I guess it could work,' no one had ever called him that before, and he usually preferred his real mane to any nicknames people had come up with over the years. But for some reason, he was ok with Dean referring to him in this way, he actually liked it.

It was getting dark, and Cas soon realized how tired he was. 'This time change is really screwing with me,' he thought, noticing that he was beginning to nod off. He really did want to sleep, but he didn't want a repeat of earlier. 'No way am I falling asleep on him again,' he thought, looking over at Dean who had his eyes closed. Perhaps not asleep, just resting. Cas looked at the man beside him and studied his features. He had beautiful tanned olive skin and light freckles dusted his cheeks and nose. His hair was brown and looked soft to the touch. He had long eyelashes that crowned his face making it prettier than it needed to be. Cas felt his stomach rise as he quickly looked away. 'Not here', he thought, 'Not now.'

Cas tried to focus on something else. But his thoughts kept going to Dean. He was beautiful really. Everything about him so far seemed perfect. He was kind, friendly, and easy to talk to. He was tall and toned. His voice was rough and deep and his face was beautiful and spotted with different tones, adding a uniqueness to his features.

Cas realized he shouldn't be doing this. He needed to stay focused, what he was doing was completely inappropriate he thought, especially here. He let his mind wander as they drove deeper through the desert and into the night.

"Were here men! Get up," Dean heard someone yell, as he awoke once more. He looked over and saw Cas asleep next to him. He looked so calm. Dean stared as the other men left the vehicle, he looked at Cas's deep brown hair and wondered what it would be like to run his hands through it. He looked at his lips, which appeared soft and delicate. Everything about Cas seemed perfect to him he thought as he felt a flutter inside of him. "Shit," Dean said, "Not here…"

"W-whaat?" Cas mumbled as he blinked his eyes opened yawning in the process.

"Nothing man," Dean replied 'this is bad,' he thought, "let's go."

All the men lined up as they were given their tent assignments. It was late, so after they put their packs in their tents, they were supposed to return to the center of camp and get something to eat.

Entering his room, Dean felt his stomach rumble. "Someone sounds hungry," Cas laughed as he groggily walked in, "Yea, and someone looks tired," Dean jested.

The two of them laughed as they quickly dropped off their bags, returning to the center of camp and getting in line for the food.

"So, how do you think the food is gonna taste," Dean asked.

"Eh, Im hoping for 'not terrible'," Cas replied, grabbing two plates for the both of them.

"Thanks," Dean said, grabbing the plate. He felt his fingertips brush against the back of Cas's hand and his breath hitched. Cas quickly removed his eyes from Dean's and looked away. The two continued to the front and got their plates filed with some compilation of rice, vegetables, and chicken. They found seats at a table, and sat across from one another.

"So," Dean said, taking a bite of his food, "How do you like the place?"

"Actually, it's better than expected, our tent is pretty big, and the beds seem nice enough."

"Yea, I had the same thoughts," Dean looked at Cas as he saw him sniff his food before taking a bite. He laughed to himself before continuing, "We think it's nice enough now, but let's just wait until we see the showers and bathrooms…"

"Good point," Cas answered, before taking another bite of food. He realized it wasn't as bad as he expected. It was dry, but he knew it was likely to be like that.

They finished their meals and noticed most of the men had already gone. "So," dean questioned, "Let's check out those bathrooms."

They headed over to where the nearest bathrooms were to their tent, and walked inside. It was nice enough, well, it would do its job. Because the bathroom wasn't meant to accommodate all the men in camp, it only had three stalls and seven urinals. "It's not too bad, right," Dean asked, walking over to the farthest urinal. "Nope, again, better than what I expected," Cas walked over too, making sure not to take the urinal right next to Dean.

Dean began taking Care of business after he unzipped his pants. He tried not to look over, but it was hard. He usually didn't have trouble averting his eyes when in the bathroom, but it was different now, and sure as hell a lot harder.

Cas knew he shouldn't look, but damn it was hard not to. 'Why the hell did I stand so close to him?' Cas thought, trying to look anywhere but at Dean. There were actually two urinals between then, but that didn't make him feel any better. Suddenly he heard Dean zip up his pants, and quickly walk to the sink, never looking his way.

Castiel was grateful for this little blessing and finished up, washing his hands. He followed Dean out heading towards their tent, neither of them saying a word.

"So, Dean said, "Which bed do you want?"

"I guess I'm not sure," Cas replied, "They both look pretty much the same… I guess I'll just take the one on the right." He walked over and sat on the bed watching as Dean did the same. Cas took his boots off and slipped them under his bed. He stood up to take his shirt off, but froze when he noticed Dean's was already off. He couldn't't help but stare as he saw Dean fidget with his belt. He noticed his muscled flexing and relaxing with every movementt, the tan that continued all the way down his torso, his eyes gazed on Dean's toned body picking up every nuance.

Dean looked up at him noticing the staring eyes saying, "Is this making you uncomfortable… because I can turn around if-"

"No!" Cas interrupted, his breath catching as he spoke, "I mean, it-its fine, sorry…"

Dean smiled and removed his belt before bending over to remove his shoes. Cas began peeling off his shirt and worked his way to his pants, he dropped them and stepped out, feeling the chill of the night wrap around his body. He straightened up and looked right at Dean, as bare as he was.

The two were staring at each other, and taking each other in. Dean felt his chest flutter as he regained focus saying, "Nice- I mean you look go- I mean, uh" his face lit up as he brought his hand up to the back of his head rubbing it as he looked down embarrassed. "You too," Cas said quickly as he put his clothes away, trying to mend the awkwardness. "I mean," he said standing back up "You- uh, never mind."

"No, what? Dean questioned, his eyes wide with wonder.

"Its nothing," Cas said quietly, "I think we should get some sleep," he continued, climbing into his bed.

"Yea, right," Dean answered, turning off the light, returning to bed, pulling the covers over his exposed body.

"Goodnight Cas," Dean said quietly, hoping the other man didn't hear him,

"Goodnight Dean" Cas replied.

This was going to be much harder than either of them had anticipated war would ever be, and their main problem was off the battlefield.


	3. On the Job

The alarm woke Dean much earlier than he had hoped. They did get in pretty late last night, but he didn't expect to feel this shitty this early. He swung his leg off the bed and rubbed his eyes regaining focus and looking around the room. He saw Cas across from him, it looked like he was asleep but Dean figured he was just trying to lay down for a few minutes more. Pulling up his pants, Dean thought about the day ahead of them. They had trained so much, and now they were finally here. They were finally at the front of war. Most people didn't face too much danger, but' you never know,' he thought. He pulled on his shirt and began lacing up his boots. As he stood up, he realized Cas was still on his bed. Walking over, Dean said, "Cas? Hey Cas, wake up!"

Cas didn't reply and Dean placed a hand on the man's shoulder and nudged him a few times.

Cas was having a good dream. He was somewhere nice, somewhere he couldn't place his finger on. There was a man next to him arms wrapped around his waist. He felt warm, safe. His dream was abruptly interrupted as he felt the man next to him begin fidgeting, Cas slowly rolled over to see Dean lying next to him. Cas smiled upon seeing the man next to him, the man who had been holding him in his arms. He could see Dean's mouth moving as he felt him shove him a few times. "Hey, Cas! Man, you _need_ to wake up!" He heard growing louder with every work. Slowly his eyes fluttered open and he saw Dean standing over him. His cheeks flushed realizing what he was dreaming about, and waking up to Dean looking right at him. "W-what?" Cas asked softly as his eyes adjusted to the light.

"Get up man, the horn sounded like five minutes ago, we're gonna be late."

"Shit," Cas said, quickly getting up and dressing. Fortunately for them both, Cas got ready pretty quickly trying to brush off his dream from his thoughts. He and Dean rushed out of their tent and made their way to where they ate the night before. They saw a line of men and joined them at the end of the line. The group of men moved surprisingly quick ready for their morning meal.

"It looks like you got a good night's sleep," Dean laughed letting his hand tousle Castiel's hair, "You got some serious bedhead man, maybe you ought to invest in a comb or something." Cas heard Dean laugh as he replied, "I guess it's sort of always like this," he felt his cheeks heat up as he filled with embarrassment.

"But it usually calms down in a bit." They continued walking feet hitting the desert floor causing the dust to pick up slightly.

"Well that's good, I like it either way I guess, it's kinda funny like this, but still cute," Dean paused and cas looked up at him, his ears catching every word Dean had just said. Dean's left hand went up behind his head as he looked down saying, "Not.. that it matters, really…"

Cas smiled to himself before lightly hitting Dean's arm saying, "It's cool, I man, I get what you're saying," he made sure he was smiling when he said this to Dean, and saw him smile back.

Dean felt a bit more relaxed thanks to Cas's warm smile, but made a mental note to not say stuff like that again. He couldn't let things like that slip out. 'I don't even fucking like guys,' he thought, 'at least I'm not supposed to.'

When it was finally their turn, Cas passed a plate to Dean, and grabbed them both utensils and napkins. The two sat together at the end of a long table, because Cas got up so late, most of the others were already done eating and caused the area to be filled with loud conversations and laughter. The two ate in relative silence apart from a few lazy comments about the food.

As they were finishing up, they heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, "Good morning troops," the conversations around them quieted as heads lifted up, and forks went down, "It's a big day today, for most of you, it's your first real day of combat. You all have been assigned your partner, who I'm sure you are getting along with wonderfully," Dean laughed hearing the sarcasm over the loudspeaker, he caught Cas's eyes before the other man blushed and looked down. "And you were all also given the groups you will be with for the remainder of your tour. Now, clear your plates and put on your gear." Around them, the faces of the men became sterner as the announcement reminded them of what was ahead of them today, "You will meet up with your groups in the designated areas, before claiming your weapons. Then you all will be transported out and be given further instructions there." Cas looked back up at Dean and have him a short nod, Dean returned it maintaining confidence in his partner. "Good luck today, men. It's gonna be one hell of a journey over the next few months, but you're all here for a reason."

They heard the loudspeaker click off and immediately the tension was lifted. Dean let out a sigh as he stood up, to stack his plate.

"We better get going Cas," he said, grabbing Castiel's plate as well.

"Like he said, we've got one hell of a journey ahead of us," Cas smiled for a moment before following Dean, 'We really do have one hell of a journey,' he thought as he looked up at Dean, continuing to follow him.

Dean and Castiel made their way over to where they would be meeting with their group. The walk wasn't too far, but the two walked in silence. As they walked up to the group, they were greeted and told to line up. A few other men showed up soon after. Most of the faces were new, but Dean recognized a few of them from the plane. They were to be led by Commander Xiumin. He briefly told them about his experience in the military and as a Commander. Dean was impressed to say the least, he just wanted to serve and be done, but this guy was in it for the long haul, 'There's something admiral about that,' Dean thought. Xiumin led the group to get their weapons and then they all climbed into a truck and were off.

There were eleven of them in all, "I guess the Commander doesn't need a partner," Dean whispered to Cas after they took their seats. Cas laughed softly and smiled. Something about this guy made Dean feel warm, happy.

The ride wasn't too long, but once again it was bumpy as hell. Dean couldn't count how many times he bumped into Cas, and Cas bumped into his arm. They both brushed it off each time with blushing and an awkward smile. They pulled up to where they were stationed and all got out. Once again lining up Dean looked around at where they would be spending the next few weeks.

There were a few buildings, but they were pretty rough for wear. A few of the buildings had already collapsed leaving partial walls sticking up in various spots. There were other men there, who looked like they had been there for weeks. Dean took a large breath after looking around, slightly overwhelmed by it all. Cas glanced over at him, smiling, calming Dean down a bit.

"Welcome infants to our humble little home. This is where you will be working for the impending future. You will be shown around and briefed on how we have been holding up, and what we are working for here." The man with the bolstering voice passed in front of them, hands clasped behind his back. "Because you are all new here, you will start off doing the grunt work. Relaying messages, fortifying our base, cleaning, cooking, and serving under a few of the other men here. After a few weeks or watching and learning, you will start surveying, guarding, and doing some of the other fun stuff. For now, follow Commander Xiumin here, and he'll show you around." The man gestured towards the dark haired Xiumin who led them towards one of the buildings. Dean realized the other man never introduced himself, 'weird dude,' Dean thought following behind Cas.

So it was a bit different than Cas expected, 'But what the hell did I expect anyway,' Cas thought. He followed the group as they entered the first building which was being used for storage. Xiumin led them throughout the base showing them where they prepared meals and cleaned, the communication and radar room, as well as latrines. Cas and Dean were assigned to the meal preparation room for the first day. Cas was kind of relieved, it was pretty hot, and he was glad they would get the easy work for the day. He was also pretty happy he would probably get a chance to talk to Dean more, which made him smile. The men in charge of preparation had Cas and Dean first go to the storage and begin bring various foods and boxer over so they could start.

"Where exactly was the storage room," Dean said looking at Cas as they left the room, "Follow me dork," Cas said hitting Dean's arm playfully, "Don't assault me Cas!" Dean laughed, "I'm very sensitive," He returned the favour by lightly kicking Cas's leg as he followed him over. There wasn't actually too much they had to bring over. The meal preparation was mostly reheating and rehydrating the food, not quite the same as the food back at camp.

The two helped out wherever they could usually taking orders from their superiors all while cracking jokes to each other and messing around a bit too much. Eventually lunch rolled around and they began serving the food. The lunch hour actually was about two hours. They had to feed small groups of men at a time, to ensure they had enough men on guard and preforming other essential duties. After they fed everyone their two superiors told Cas and Dean that they would be leaving for other duties and that Dean and Cas should eat quickly and start cleaning the makeshift kitchen and cleaning the plates.

Dean served Cas a generous serving before preparing his own. The two sat down in the room feasting on some of the bags thrown across the floor.

"Shit!" Dean coughed, "This tastes like shit."

"It's probably not that bad," Cas retorted, a smug grin on his face, taking a bite, Cas slowly spit it out making a face saying, "Ok, yes, this is pure shit." Dean began laughing and Cas joined. There was something about Cas Dean kept thinking to himself. He couldn't pinpoint what it was, but he was falling for it. Dean stared into Cas's blue eyes as he laughed, his heart rate quickening. Realizing he was starting, Dean looked away saying, "We should probably try to eat this, even though its shit."

"We're screwed wither way," Cas said, taking a small bite swallowing hard.

"So, you're a spitter, _and_ a swallower?" Dean jested, referring to Cas's first two bites,

"Shut up Dean," Cas laughed kicking Dean's foot with his own.

"And I see you're a swallower," Cas retorted, as he saw dean take his first bite.

"You bet Cas! Anything to make my partners happy!" he said, laughing before returning to his meal. The two ate quickly, getting up and clearing their half empty plates.

"Well I guess we'd better get started," Cas said, turning on the faucet.

"If we're gonna do this, we might as well make it fun," Dean replied a wicked grin spreading across his face. Cas looked up at him confused, and he squirted some soap into the running water, creating a soapy mess. Dean reached his hand in pulling out a soapy pile. He looked right at Cas saying, "Watch out!"

Immediately Cas was hit in the face with the warm bubbles of soap. He felt it begin to drip down his face as he wiped his eyes. He could hear Dean laughing uncontrollably as he reached into the sink, getting a handful himself. Turning to Dean Cas said, "Hey Dean," then threw the suds right at Dean's face nailing him unexpectedly.

The fight had begun, Dean responded by splashing some water onto Cas's chest before he wiped the soap off his face. The two continued splashing each other and throwing soap across the room getting each other well covered in soap and water. They both laughed as they dodged throws and aimed at each other.

Eventually Dean grabbed Cas as he wrapped his arms around him saying, "Truce! Truce!" He pulled Cas in as they both continued laughing, the taller man leaned his head into Cas's hair as they rocked in unison still laughing.

Their fun was suddenly interrupted as they saw one of their superiors form before walk in and say, "Novack, Winchester, get the _hell_ back to work before I report you two for not following orders!" The man's booming voice and angry face caused their laughter to stop and Dean to release his grip from around Cas.

"Yes Sir!" They both replied as they saluted in unison. The man quickly turned and before he left the room he turned back glaring at the two and muttering, "Fags."

"Get back here asshat!" Dean exclaimed, his voice fuming.

"Dean, stop!" Cas insisted grabbing a hold of Dean's arms keeping him from making a dumb mistake, "Calm down, it's not really a big deal," Cas continued, his voice faltering.

"To hell it ain't," Dean replied, his voice filled with anger.

"It's fine Dean," Cas said, taking Dean's hands in his, "Just let it go," he continued, squeezing Dean's hands as he spoke, "I don't want you to get in trouble over some idiot who can't have a good time."

Dean felt his body relax and his heart flutter as Cas grabbed his hands. He was immediately comforted by Cas and the look in his eyes. "Yea, I guess… Fine," Dean replied. Moving his hands up to Cas's shoulders he said, "I just don't want you to have to deal with this shit, not now."

Cas felt his cheeks flush at Dean's words, "Thank you, but it's ok, we'll be fine." Cas looked up at Dean and smiled before he saw Dean smile back and pull him into his arms. He felt warmth rush through him as he felt Dean's arms wrap around him, pulling him in close. Cas brought his hands around Dean as he felt Dean's head nuzzle into his. Cas let his hands slowly rub up and down Dean's back trying to comfort the other man, but the action only made Cas's heart race more.

"We'll be fine," Cas repeated softly.

After a few moments the two broke apart, looking around to make sure no one was around to hassle them again.

"Thanks Cas," Dean said, smiling softly.

"It's no problem," Cas answered squeezing Dean's hand.

"But we better start cleaning if we don't want to get in trouble," Cas said.

"Yea, I guess we should," Dean said, his heart racing from the contact with Cas. His whole body was rushing from feeling Cas's hands on his and his light touch over his back. Grapping a dish Dean started washing, his mind abuzz and his heart racing.

The day at the base was over before they knew it. Most of the more experienced men lived there, while the new people went back to their camp to join the other groups. Cas and Dean hadn't said much after the incident earlier that day, neither of them knowing quite what to say. Cas's mind was still full of thoughts of their laughing, playing, hugging, and comfort. He could still feel Dean's hands on his, and Dean's arms around him. Every time he tried to catch a glance at Dean, his cheeks turned pink, and he had to quickly look away.

"So Cas," Dean asked as they sat down to eat, "How was your first day?" Cas looked down thinking of how to answer this question, overall it was amazing, he loved laughing with Dean, being so close to him, but he knew the superiors comments really shook Dean, "Eventful," he finally answered smiling.

"Yea, it definitely was," Dean answered, "But it was still really fun," Dean continued smiling.

"Just wait until next time, I'm gonna get you so bad!" Dean said laughing. Cas looked into his eyes laughing with Dean, he saw how Dean's eyes lit up making the green somehow more intense. Cas felt his stomach flip as he smiled and continued eating.

After dinner, the two returned to their tent and took off most of their clothes.

"We should probably get showered," Dean suggested picking up his shirt from that day and smelling it before making a face and dropping it back down.

"Yea," replied Cas, "I'm pretty sure it was hotter than hell out there today."

When they made it to the showers, there were three stalls open, and they took the two closest to the wall. The showers were pretty dinky, and they weren't covered by much. They even could see over the tops of the door and the sides into the neighbouring shower, but they didn't have much of a choice.

Cas finished undressing in the stall and hung his towel and boxers on the hook. Turning on the water, he felt the cool water slide over his body. For once he was thankful for a lack of hot water. His body cooled down as he ran his fingers through his hair, making sure the work in the shampoo. He quickly rinsed his hair out and began to wash his body. He could see Dean in the stall next to him, but tried not to look too often.

As he slid his hands over his body, he couldn't help but think of Dean's touch from earlier that day. His hand swiped over his nipple and he let out a small gasp. His mind was racing with the thoughts of Dean's hands over him, gliding over his smooth skin. Cas worked the soap lower down and made his way to his groin. His imagination took over and he stroked a hand down his dick moaning softly as he looked over at Dean in the neighbouring stall.

Dean's head was tilted back as he let the water run through his hair. Cas could see most of Dean's torso, perfectly sculpted with little streams of water running through his contours. He let his hand glide over his growing erection once more letting out a louder moan. Suddenly he saw Dean's hands stop before looking towards him. Cas's heart rate immediately accelerated and he veered his gaze away, turning his body to face the other side.

'Fucking shit,' he thought moving his hand away from his crotch, 'He's gonna fucking kill me.' Cas tried to quickly finish his shower as he ignored his nagging hard on. Once he shut off the water, he wrapped the towel around him and went over to the sink to brush his teeth.

Dean soon showed up next to him cleaning his teeth as well. In the mirror Cas could see Dean's towel riding dangerously low in his hips. He felt a jolt go to his groin and groaned in irritation into his toothbrush. Dean quickly spit out his toothpaste and Cas followed suit.

Neither of them said a word to each other as they walked back to the tent. Cas noticed Dean glancing over at him on occasion, but tried to ignore it.

Dean was sure he had heard Cas moan. And it was fucking hot. He caught Cas looking at him when he noticed the sound, seeing Cas's hands low down on his body. He couldn't be sure of what Cas had been doing, but he was pretty sure he knew. 'Why was he looking at me,' Dean kept questioning, the moment flashing in his mind. It took everything in him to make sure he didn't get an erection, and it was sure as hell proving difficult.

As they walked into the tent, Dean saw Cas rush over to his bed, tossing his toothbrush down before going for his sleep clothes stashed next to his bed. Dean started Dressing facing forward so he could watch Cas. He noticed Cas wouldn't move from standing straight ahead at the side of the tent, avoiding all contact with Dean. 'Fuck, I was right,' Dean thought smiling to himself. He hoped Cas was looking at him for a reason when he caught him, but was pretty sure he was wrong. Cas quickly got into bed without saying a word.

Dean tried to get his sleep clothes (a t-shit and boxers) on quickly. He went to turn out the light before laying down in bed. Dean just sat there for a moment thinking about the day. He had a lot of fun with Cas. As apprehensive as he had been about their first day, Cas had managed to make it fun. He even calmed Dean after that asshat called them fags. 'His hair smelled so fucking good,' Dean thought remembering how it felt and smelled to have his head nuzzle against Cas's head. Dean felt Cas's hands in his, and Cas's arms tickle over his back slowly. Suddenly Dean felt warmth pool in his groin as he felt his dick begin to harden. 'Shit,' he thought, once again trying to stop his erection from growing.

"Goodnight Dean," He heard Cas say from across the tent.

"Night Cas," he replied.

Science fell between them before Dean interrupted it saying, "Hey Cas, if you ever need to… uh," 'shit, how do I put this,' Dean thought, "_relieve_ stress, that's fine, I mean I'm cool with it."

'Fuck,' he thought, "I mean, I get it, we all need to come sometime." 'Why did I say that,' Dean questioned himself. He heard Cas groan before he saw him roll away from him. "Fuck, I'm sorry" Dean said before trying to fall asleep.

As he was nodding off he heard Cas whisper, as if to himself, "It's ok…".


	4. Getting Caught

The next few days passed filled with awkwardness. Dean felt bad for acknowledging what Cas had been doing, and for embarrassing him. Cas was mortified that he got caught masturbating while looking at Dean, and was angry at himself for his own lack of self-control.

The two were able to continue working together despite the heavy weight they were both lifting. Neither of them wanted to bring it up again which just made the situation much worse.

They had been rotating jobs over the past week at the base and were getting into the routine of things.

They did make jokes occasionally about how terrible their lunches continued to be, but ate them any despite their self-pity. But overall, things were still tense.

It was Tuesday, nine days after they had arrived, the radar had gone off and all men at the base were called into position. There was a large vehicle heading towards them, one which they did not know the identification of. Everyone at the base was on edge, but were perfectly focused.

"You think it's something bad," Cas whispered to Dean. "I sure hope not man," Dean replied, "But we'll be ok even if it is," Dean continued, trying to hide the fear in his voice. Dean really didn't want it to be something that would cause a problem. No one ever wanted that out here. All he could do was hope that it would be something they could get figured instead of a car ready to bomb them.

Cas had seen the fear in Dean's eyes and could see it in his eyes as he shifted in his crouched position. "We're gonna be fine Dean," Cas whispered as he took Dean's hand in his, squeezing it.

Dean's breath hitched as he felt Cas's hand on his. The two hadn't touched since the incident on the first day, and now his heart was really racing. Dean squeezed back feeling Cas's soft hand grip his in assurance. After a few lingering moments Cas removed his hand before looking up at Dean smiling. Dean returned the smile as his heart swelled, happy that things were going back to how they were in the beginning.

As the car approached, Cas noticed the other men around him take a more strong position. He heard orders being said to other men as he and Dean stayed in position, eyes on the vehicle in the distance.

Three of their own armoured vehicles started going out to meet the unknown presence. They could hear the updates on the radio as the all four vehicles stopped.

"Commander, a white flag has been raised, a white flag, out," they heard over the radio.

"Keep your distance and wait until they either radio you or exit the vehicle, out," the Commander replied.

"There is no movement at their vehicle that we can see, but there are about three people visible in the van, two women and one man, out."

"The driver's door is opening and a man is stepping out. – He is now on the ground on his knees, and he appears to be praying. – The translator says he is asking for help. His wife has gone into labour and no one in their village has experience or knows what to do, out."

The Commander replied, "Three men approach with caution, guns ready. Have four more approach far flanking on either side and two move towards the back, guns drawn, out."

All the men waited in silence as they watched the other men move out in formation in the distance. Everything looked like it was going well, "Commander, they are helping the pregnant woman out of the car and she seems to be in distress, out."

"Proceeded with caution,"

Reports kept coming from the men while all at the base maintained order. Dean started to get cramp from being in the same position for so long. He moved his right leg over, feeling a wave of relief go through his body as his blood was finally able to circulate properly. In moving his leg he bumped into Cas, "Shit, sorry man," Dean said.

"Its fine Dean," Cas replied smiling at Dean as he once again squeezed his partner's hand. Dean felt a jolt go through his body emanating from Cas's touch.

After about twenty minutes it was decided the three from the vehicle were not a threat and the men could go back to work. One more group of men were sent out for extra security, but Cas and Dean remained behind.

Lately they had been shadowing and assisting the defence and watchmen and were learning a lot. Occasionally it got pretty boring, but they were always focused making sure they didn't slip up.

A couple of hours later they heard over the radio that the woman had given birth to a baby boy and it had all gone smoothly and that the group had returned back to their village.

"So that was certainly something I never expected to happen here," Dean said as they were watching the back portion of the base.

"Yea, I guess you're right it is pretty wild," Cas replied.

"Ever think of having kids," Dean asked as the two kept their eyes on the horizon making sure no more surprises were coming.

"Yea, I've thought about it. I mean' I have a lot of siblings, so I'm used to having a lot of people around."

"I guess that makes sense, I mean, I only have one sibling, and our family was just the three of us. It's great, but I think I would like a big family too," Dean replied, smiling at Cas.

"It is pretty great," Cas agreed, "The only problem for me is whether or not my husband would like to have kids," continuing on, Cas looked down, his face becoming a bit more stern, "I mean, it's not exactly easy for a gay couple to have kids. It's possible, but a bit more difficult, you know?"

"Yea, I get it. I've thought about that too, but it's still worth it I think."

"Why would you have to think about adoption, I mean, your straight," Cas asked feeling his heart drop at his words.

"Oh- ah, I mean- I've just thought of all the options, you know," Dean lied, rubbing the back of his head.

Cas smiled up at Dean as they continued watching at their post. Cas imagined what Dean's kids might look like, soft brown hair, big green eyes, freckles spotting their faces. The thought made Cas's heart happy, he liked imagining Dean happy with a family of his own, and maybe even… 'No,' Cas thought, 'I can't do this now, not here. Its sure as hell never gonna happen anyway…'

"You ok Cas," Dean asked, bumping his shoulder playfully into Cas, "Oh, yea, I'm fine I guess, don't worry about it, just daydreaming."

"Ok man," Dean answered, "Just make sure you don't daydream too much, we don't want another pregnant woman sneaking up on us," The two laughed as they walked, easing into comfort once again, almost forgetting about the incident last week.

A few days had passed and Cas couldn't stop thinking about how at ease they had been the other day. Since Dean caught Cas masturbating, things had been tense, but recently they were getting better.

Cas knew he shouldn't say anything, but he felt like he had to. Dean was in bed writing a letter back home and Cas was just finishing up putting his clothes away. "Uh, hey Dean," Cas said, his voice quivering. "Yea, what's up?"

"Uh, so, remember last week, uh in the showers," Cas asked looking down as he spoke."

Dean's face flushed as he answered, "Oh, uh yea I guess…"

Cas sat down on his bed before saying, "I don't really know what to say, uh-"

Dean's hand went behind his head and began rubbing, "Don't say anything then, I mean, like I said, I get it… I mean we all have to-"

"I know, but I-," Cas tried to say, "I was- looking…" Cas brought his hands to his head as he leaned over the side of his bed, placing his elbows onto his knees, running his hands through his hair in frustration and embarrassment. He heard footsteps and he looked up seeing Dean walk towards him with an uneasy look on his face. 'Shit shit, _fucking_ shit,' Cas thought as he saw Dean, 'He's gonna fucking kill me! He probably didn't even notice I had been looking at him, _fuck_!'

Dean sat down next to Cas saying, "Its ok man, seriously its fine." Cas felt relief rush through him as Dean spoke, as Dean placed a hand on his thigh Cas felt his heart race and his breath hitch. Dean left his hand there squeezing Cas's thigh softly before he began slowly rubbing it up and down. "It's fine Cas, really," Dean said, looking up into Cas's eyes. Cas knew by the look in Dean's eyes that it really was ok. Dean wasn't going to kill him.

Cas felt his thigh tingle under Dean's touch. His hand was so light over his almost bare leg he felt its tickle as it went up, down, up… really up. Cas let out a gasp in surprise as he felt Dean's hand so close to his crotch and he felt heat begin to boil in that region. The two were so close, separated by only inches. Cas's heart raced as the two watched each other as if asking for permission to do something? Anything?

And just like that, Dean shot up standing straight up, hand rubbing the back of his head.

"So yea, uh, I mean…" Dean babbled. Cas could see how red Dean's face was getting and noticed his usual reaction of nervousness when Dean had brought his hand to his head.

"It's good, I know what you mean, it's all fine," Cas interjected, trying to help Dean out. They were both obviously blushing at the situation both noticing each other's reactions.

"Yea," Dean answered, walking over to his bed picking up his letter once more, "We're good," he continued smiling shyly at Cas. Cas smiled before he rolled back into his bed and pulled his blanket up.

'Shit,' Cas thought. He was glad at least that the two were 'good' or whatever. But he couldn't get over Dean's touch. 'Why did he do that,' Cas questioned. 'Why do I wish he kept doing it?' It was only then Cas noticed the bulge in his thin boxers. Groaning and rolling onto his stomach Cas thought, 'I'm so fucked.'


	5. A Bit of Trouble

Weeks went by as Cas and Dean continued preforming their duties without fail. They had been working hard and were able to move out of the shadow of the more experienced men at the base and onto handling larger duties. Dean got a lot of letters from his brother, and a few from his Dad. He made sure that he replied to every one of them, assuring his family that he was all right. Cas wrote letters too, but not as many. He usually wrote to his parents, who could then tell the rest of the family how his tour was going.

Sooner or later they had made it into two months into their tour, the halfway point. Cas and Dean had been getting along well. Even more than well. They found themselves sharing countless stories form their lives and telling hundreds of jokes to each other. Their bond never faltered and kept growing stronger and stronger.

Cas couldn't forget about Dean's hand on his leg. His mind flashed at times to that moment, and he couldn't help but fell the warmth of Dean's past touch. All he wanted was to be in that moment again. For something to _actually_ happen. He craved feeling Dean's hands over his body.

It wasn't like they hadn't touched since then, just not quite as much. Their hands often grazed each other's as they walked, as if longing to hold onto each other. Their feet rested on and next to each other's when they ate breakfast and dinner. They still hugged each other whenever it seemed fit, and it seemed so warm, so comforting to be in one another's arms. Dean had noticed Cas's looking at him when he didn't think he could see, but Dean knew he had been doing the same thing.

Occasionally Dean said things that would make Cas blush. Dean always had a flirtatious attitude, but epically around Cas, and he noticed that about himself too. He couldn't help but feel his heart skip every time he saw Cas in the morning. Dean always felt a glow of warmth when he was around Cas talking to him. He knew he always laughed louder, smiled bigger, and felt happier when they were together.

So far, a few days in from their half-way point, the day was going like any other day. Cas and Dean were on their break in one of the buildings enjoying their time together.

"I still can't believe it's half over," Cas said thinking of how fast time had gone by.

"Yea I agree, it's just been going by so fast man," Dean answered in agreement. The conversation paused for a moment as the two reflected on the thoughts. Dean continued, "Hey Cas, what do you think we're going to do when we get back?"

"I'm really not sure," Cas said looking up at Dean, "I mean, I guess we'll get jobs, go back to normal life…" Cas realized that this meant he only had two months left with Dean. After that, they would never see each other again. He felt his heart fill with sadness at the thought.

"No, uh, I mean, with us," Dean clarified, "What's going to happen with us," Dean gestured between the two of them.

"Oh," Cas replied, finally understanding what Dean meant. "I- I'm not sure," Cas looked down frowning as he once again imagined them separated, "I guess, we could meet up. Didn't you say we were going to Germany or something?"

"Oh shit, yea! I actually kinda forgot about that man," Dean said grinning, "It's gonna be so much fun, and we'll totally go see the national team play a game."

"I would like that," Cas said, looking up and smiling at Dean. He could see the happiness in Dean's eyes before Dean reached over taking his hand in his and squeezing it.

Dean let his hand linger there for a few moments. He couldn't help himself. It just felt so right, he felt like there was nothing else in the world besides them when he held Cas's hand. He felt his heart fill with warmth. Slowly he removed his hand, letting his fingers slide slowly glide out. He couldn't help himself, he knew he shouldn't but he knew he had to. 'Holding his hand, if only for a moment is enough for now,' Dean thought.

A few minutes went before Cas got up. "Hey, I'm gonna use the restroom quickly, but I'll come right back."

"Shouldn't I come with you," Dean asked, remembering the rules they had been given.

"Nah, I'll be fine, it's only gonna take a minute, I'll come right back, I promise," Cas said, a big smile spreading across his face.

"Ok, ok," Said Dean, smiling back, "But it better only take a minute; I'm gonna count!" Dean looked down at his watch and began, "One… two… three," He continued hearing Cas, "Slow down," as he quickly left the room.

Dean kept his eyes on his watch making sure Cas kept his word, and was back in exactly sixty seconds. He enjoyed things like this, being able to mess around with Cas. 'Fifty one… fifty two… fifty three…" Dean thought to himself, watching the seconds tick by, "fifty four, fifty f-."

Dean heard a thunderous sound as he felt warm air and dust immediately rush into the room knocking him over along with various objects in the room. The doorway began to collapse a bit, ad Dean tried to recover from the shock. Coughing, Dean tried to pull himself up to get out of there. His leg was stuck under something that had fallen, but thankfully it wasn't hurting him too much. With some effort he was finally able to release his leg and stagger up. The air was still filled with smoke and dust as he tried to cover his mouth and walk out of the crumbled doorway.

As he exited the building he could barely see a thing. As the loud ringing in his ears caused by the loud noise began to subside, he was able to hear a few voices around him. After a few moments, he realized the air was filled with shouting and screaming. '_Cas_,' Dean thought, realizing he hadn't made it back. 'Where the hell is he,' Dean thought as the smoke started settling a bit, allowing him to gain some visibility.

"Cas," he called trying to scan the area. There was rubble everywhere. Most of the buildings had completely collapsed. He noticed bits of metal and glass strewn over the ground. "_Cas_," he yelled with more fervour. Dean was looking everywhere for him as he headed towards the bathrooms. As he ran he saw bodies, lots of them. There was blood too, so much blood. He saw a couple of other men running around, yelling and trying to help the wounded.

As he rounded the corner, Dean saw him. "_CAS_," Dean cried, dropping to the ground. "Cas wake up," he yelled, pulling the other man into his arms. He could see Cas's face was covered in dirt and soot. He looked horrible, and worst of all, he wasn't responding. Dean leaned over Cas's face trying to see if he was breathing. He felt a small breath against his cheek and a small wave of relief rushed through him.

"Cas wake up," Dean begged. He felt a rush of fear and sadness flood his body as he held Cas's limp body in his arms. "_Please_ Cas," Dean screamed, becoming angry. He couldn't hold it in anymore as he felt tears pool in his eyes, "God Cas, _please_," Dean whispered bent over Cas, tears streaming down his face.

Dean kept crying as the chaos around him continued. There were medics helping the injured and people running everywhere, guns at the ready making sure to defend the rest of them. But all Dean could see was Cas. He brought one hand up to Cas's cheek and began wiping away the soot on Cas's face that was darkened by Dean's wet tears. As he cried and held Cas close he begged softly, "Please Cas, please. I c-can't do this without y-you. God… please do-n't leave me. I need you Cas…"

Dean watched as Cas began coughing and gasping for breath, "Oh my God," Dean whispered. "Cas, _CAS_," Dean yelled.

"Help, we need help! Please," Dean yelled, trying to get someone's attention. Soon a few men had arrived with a stretcher placing Cas on it. The men carried Cas away as Dean followed.

"D-ean," Dean heard Cas gasp.

"I'm right here Cas," Dean said, taking a hold of Cas's hand as he ran along with the others.

"It'll be ok, I've got you, we're gonna be ok." They made it to a safe area that was set up to help the injured. Around them Dean could see too many injured bodies. He looked back at Cas trying to make sure he was ok.

"Dean, please," Cas coughed out.

"You're gonna be fine," Dean assured him, "I'm right here." Dean thought he saw Cas smile a bit before he heard, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We need to deal with this patient alone, and you need to be checked out by other medics."

"I'm fine," Dean insisted turning back to Cas grabbing his hand once more, trying to assure Cas that he truly would be ok.

"Sir, this is an order. You need to leave."

"_Dean_-" Cas whispered, his eyes going wide with fear as they filled with tears.

"I'm not fucking moving," Dean screamed in anger.

"Take him," the man ordered as Dean felt two sets of hands wrap around him. They began pulling him away as he struggled and yelled, "Cas! No please, _please_! Cas I'm sorry, I'm_ so_ sorry!" Dean felt the hot tears begin falling over his face again as he was taken away.


	6. I Will Stay

Dean was back at his tent praying that Cas would come back. They had told him noting of his partners condition. All he knew was that somehow the enemy eluded their security and bombed them. For all Dean knew, Cas was dead. And if he wasn't he was sure as hell scared and needed Dean.

It had been hours since the attack. Dean had been brought to another triage centre for those less injured. A few other camps that were close by came to help them, and eventually, after being cleaned off and having his lungs checked, he was given a few Advil and was returned to their camp to rest.

Lying in his bed, Dean felt like he was being tortured. He was stranded and no one was there to help him. He was full of anxiety as his heart rate sped up. Dean felt a wave of uneasiness rush through as his mind flashed back to what had happened before. He was helpless as he felt the anxiety increase and thicken throughout his body.

Dean's breathing became quicker as he began panicking, thinking of what might have happened to Cas. He felt like he needed to run and escape. But there was nothing to run or escape from, so he stayed put.

His body began shaking as he felt the fear and anxiety overtake him. Dean lost control of his breathing and started panicking. He sat up as he began intensely crying through his hyperventilation. After a few moments he began choking on his breaths and panicked even more. He was gasping for air as the tears ran harder and harder. 'Cas, _Cas_,' was all Dean could think as his panic attack overtook him.

Eventually Dean somehow managed to slow his hyperventilation and try to get control of himself. It took awhile, but eventually he was able to take deep slow breaths, as his tears alleviated and he calmed down.

Dean laid back down on his bed as his heart still raced. He was exhausted. Whether it was form this day, his panic attack, or both. He didn't care. Dean was overtaken by his exhaustion as his body began opening itself to sleep. His mind when blank as he passed.

Dean didn't know what time it was or how much time had passed, but he awoke to a few men in his tent laying Cas down on his bed. Dean immediately shot up running over to Cas as the men left their tent. "Cas," Dean said, "Cas _please_, are you ok?"

"I'm fine Dean," Cas whispered back a small grin on his face.

"I-I tried to help you, I wanted to stay with you," Dean said frantically, with fear in his voice, "But they made me leave, I couldn't- I'm so sorry." Dean looked down as sat on the bed next to Cas.

"I know Dean, I know," Cas said taking Dean's hand in his holding on tight, "We're fine, just like you said."

"I thought you had died," Dean said, his voice cracked as his body began to tremble, remembering the pain and fear he had gone throughout the day. "I thought I had lost you…"

"But you didn't, I'm still here," Cas said, looking up at Dean holding on to his hand harder, "I'll always be here."

Dean felt his heart swell as a rush of emotion surged through him, "Cas…" Dean whispered.

"I'll _always_ be hear," Cas repeated.

Dean felt his body succumb to emotion as he leaned closer to Cas. He felt his breath hitch as he got closer and closer, never breaking his gaze from Cas. Bringing one hand around and placing it next to Cas's head on the bed Dean heard Cas whisper, "_Always_."

Dean closed his eyes as he leaned down even more, letting his lips softly touch Cas's. He felt Cas pull his head up trying to gain more contact and Dean deepened the kiss. He felt peace run through him as he felt Cas's lips moving over his. He had wanted this so badly, for so long.

Cas had felt heat run through his body as Dean placed a kiss on his lips. Immediately Cas craved more. He felt Dean open his lips and felt a tongue on his. Cas opened his mouth, allowing Dean to kiss him deeper. Bringing one of his hands around him, lacing his fingers through Dean's hair Cas was finally able to feel its softness. Cas let out a low moan as he felt Dean's tongue swipe over his. He began kissing back just as fiercely as he sucked on Dean's lip. In response he heard Dean's breath hitch before recapturing his lips. Their lips parted as Dean breathed saying, "_Cas_." Looking into Dean's bright green eyes Cas kissed him softly, letting him know it was ok.

Dean's heart raced as he kissed Cas, 'I'm kissing- _Cas_,' he thought, _'fuck!'_

Suddenly Dean pulled away and began coughing. Cas looked at him confused and said, "Dean are yo-"

"Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!"

Dean started pacing frantically around the room hand rubbing the back of his head as he tried to focus.

"What happened Dean,"

"I said shut up," Dean yelled.

Inside Dean felt himself panicking. 'I liked it,' he thought, 'Why did I fucking like it?' He looked at Cas quickly before turning around, 'This isn't supposed to happen, I'm not like this.'

Dean felt a soft hand lightly grab his before Cas stood in front of him.

"_Please,_" Cas insisted, "Please talk to me."

Dean could see the pain in Cas's eyes and he could feel his own pain and confusion overwhelm him too.

Jerking his hand out of Cas's grasp Dean yelled, "Don't fucking touch me," he turned to walk out of their tent before saying, "I'm not a fucking fag."

Cas dropped back onto his bed as he watched Dean walk out. His heart felt completely empty and he rested his head in his hands trying to make sense of what had just transpired. 'What the hell is happening,' he thought, 'He kissed me…'

Cas thought of all the little moments they had shared over the past two months and how he was sure epically while they were kissing that Dean felt the same way about him.

"He called me a 'fucking fag'," Cas whispered to himself. Feeling his emotions rush out he began crying. 'I've fucked everything up,' he thought, 'It's all over.'

Cas rolled onto his bed and continued crying. After a few minutes he started falling asleep, 'I wish I had just died today…'

Dean didn't know where he was going, and frankly he didn't give a shit. His chest was on fire, full of anger and sadness. 'This can't be happening,' Dean thought. Thinking about his life, all the girls, no one had matched up to Cas. And the kiss..

"Fuck," he whispered.

Dean didn't want this to happen. It had happened before, just not like this, not even close. He always went out and found a girl in an attempt to convince himself of his own heterosexuality. But a little part of him always knew it was a lie.

As Dean looked over the horizon he thought of what was going to happen. Everything would be different now. He would have to tell his dad, Sam. He wasn't even sure how they would react, everything could go to hell. But then he thought of Cas, and how happy he made Dean.

"Cas," Dean whispered, "Fuck."

Dean found himself once again running through the camp, this time towards their tent. 'Why the hell did I do that,' He thought. He made his way to their tend bursting in and making his way to Cas's bed. He saw Cas's face, his eyes were red and puffy, 'Shit,' He thought. Placing his hand on Cas's cheek and rubbing it slowly he said, "Cas, Cas I'm sorry."

Cas felt something on his face and woke up. He saw Dean in front of him saying he was sorry. He felt tears in his eyes once again. His breath started catching as the tears ran down his face, "Yo-, call-ed me, -fucki-n fag," Cas cried out. Dean grabbed Cas and pulled him into his arms as he felt his own eyes fill with tears.

"I'm so sorry Cas, I, I didn-" Dean wasn't sure what to say exactly, "You're the first. I mean I've never. Shit."

Cas pulled back looking into Dean's eyes, "You've never kissed a guy before," Cas said.

"Never, and I-"

"You didn't know you were gay, did you?"

Dean took a breath in before saying, "No."

Cas looked at him for a few moments as Dean's heart raced. He wasn't sure what Cas was going to do. What Dean had done was fucked up, and he wasn't even sure if he even deserved forgiveness.

"I'm sorry," Cas said bringing his hand up to Dean's cheek resting it there.

"What- Why, you didn't do anything," Dean said frantically.

"I know, It- it just is hard, I know. Its not exactly an easy thing to accept, and I'm sorry you have to struggle with it so much."

Dean looked down thinking about what Cas had said. He wished it was easier too. He wished the whole thing didn't bother him so much, but it did. But he liked Cas, he liked him so much. Dean had never felt as happy as he did when he was Cas. There was something special about him that just made everything seem right.

"Thank you Cas. I really am so sorry. I just hope you can forgive me, I never should have said that. And I hope you know I don't mean it."

Cas looked up at Dean and saw the sadness and fear in his eyes, "Is it ok, i-if I kiss you," Cas asked.

"Yes," Dean breathed.

Cas pulled Dean and slowly placed his lips over Dean's. De immediately felt his body fill with warmth and the sadness leave his body. He opened his mouth allowing Dean to kiss him deeper.

Dean felt Cas's tongue against his and moaned into his mouth. He felt Cas respond to that by kissing him harder. Dean was amazed at how good it felt to be kissing Cas. 'I'm kissing him,' he thought, 'Cas.' Dean felt Cas's fingers lace through his hair and pull lightly. Dean moaned in response and felt his body reacting. He brought his kisses down onto Cas's jawline and onto his neck. He bagan sucking lightly and then harder, wanting to mark Cas. He wanted Cas to be his, and his alone. Dean let his tongue flick over Cas's skin and he heard Cas moan, "Oh God." Dean repeated the action once more.

Cas felt a rush of heat run to his groin Cas squirmed under Dean, his hands tightening their grip on the other man's hand and in his hair. Cas let out little cries and gasps as Dean began to suck and kiss Cas's neck with more passion. Cas could feel his heart racing as he felt Dean's hot mouth gliding over his skin.

Dean finally moved his kissed back up and Cas pulled him in kissing his mouth deeply. After kissing him a few more times, Cas loosened his grip on Dean's hair and let him sit up.

Cas looked up at dean and said, "_Stay_, please. For tonight."

"I'll _always_ stay," Dean said smiling as he kissed Cas again before he went over pulling his bed next to Cas's. Dean got into his bed after turning off the lights and pulled the blanket up. He moved towards Cass kissing him once more before placing his arm over him.

"Goodnight Dean."

Dean couldn't help but smile as he heard Cas speak and a wave of joy rushed through him, "Goodnight Cas."


	7. Feeling Better

Waking up, Cas felt a warm arm wrapped around his body. Smiling, he remembered last night. 'We kissed,' he thought, 'We really kissed.' Cas rolled over facing Dean taking in the image of him sleeping next to him. Not being able to help himself, Cas brought his fingers to Dean's face and began running his finger's over his cheek. He felt the smooth skin under his touch and felt his heart warm. 'This shouldn't be real,' Cas thought. He began moving his fingers over Dean's jaw, tracing his features slowly, learning the curves of his face. Moving his touch above Dean's brow Cas smiled knowing Dean reciprocated his feelings. He knew last night must have been hard for Dean, but he was happy with the ultimate result.

Dean felt something warm glide over his face as he slowly opened his eyes. He saw Cas looking at him with a smile on his face. Realizing it was Cas that was causing the warmth over his face, he smiled back.

"Good morning Cas," Dean said pulling Cas closer.

"'Morning," Cas answered, letting his hand drop from Dean's face.

"Are you feeling better?"

Laughing softly Cas replied, "How could I not be?"

"Good point," Dean said as a blush filled his cheeks. "You know I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you before. Everything is so confusing and I didn't want it to be, I- I didn't think you- ah…" Dean closed his eyes for a bit thinking what to say, "I didn't think you liked me."

"You couldn't have been more wrong," Cas said, blushing, "I thought you knew. Remember after our first day… I- You know what… and I thought you knew, and for a while I thought you were avoiding me, well as much as you could. But I'm happy, I really am. And even after yesterday… I mean, I guess I got hurt… and so did other people, but a part of me is thankful, because- because this happened."

Dean felt his heart swell at Cas's words. As he spoke Dean couldn't help but think of how much Cas meant to him. When Cas finished Dean said, "Me too." Bringing his hand around Cas's head, Dean pulled him in and began kissing him.

Cas felt Dean's lips press onto his and felt his tongue slip in. Cas responded kissing Dean back and bringing his hand to Dean's back grabbing onto his shirt. Cas felt Dean roll on top of him as his body filled with warmth and excitement. He felt Dean's legs intertwined with his and their chests only separated by a few pieces of cloth. Cas brought both his hands to Dean's hair letting his fingers tug and glide through. Dean moved his kissed down Cas's neck and began sucking. Cas let out a soft moan and felt heat begin to pool near his groin. Dean let his tongue go over Cas's neck before biting the skin playfully.

Cas let out a gasp in surprise as he bucked up his hips causing his crotch to come in contact with Dean's. This only made him more aware of his growing erection and apparently Dean's.

"Dean," Cas moaned before Dean moved his lips back over Cas's kissing the man under him more passionately. Dean was surprised by his and Cas's erections, but that just made him more hungry. He began grinding his hips harder over Cas's and heard Cas whimper into his mouth. Soon Cas was squirming underneath and occasionally bucking his hips up begging for more contact. Dean felt himself getting harder and harder as they began grinding against each other more and more.

"D-Dean," Cas moaned, "G-od Dean," Cas said grunting. Dean began rocking his hips over Cas's releasing him from their kiss so he could focus on their arousal. Cas's head began lulling back into the pillow as he gripped Dean's hips holding on tightly. "Ple-ease," Cas begged as Dean ground his hips into his, "Please."

"BRUUUURRRRRRR!" The horn sounded just as Dean rocked into Cas again hiding his moan.

Dean immediately froze looking into Cas's eyes.

"Shit," Dean mumbled. "Do you want…" He asked looking confused and a bit scared. "

"Yes- I mean I do, but, shit." Cas said.

Dean rolled off of him and Cas felt his heart sink a bit. He was disappointed to say the least, but maybe this was for the better. The just kissed a few hours ago and they were just on their way to bringing each other to orgasm. Dean leaned over the side of his bed sitting up and running his hands through his hair. "Sorry Cas," he mumbled, "I shouldn't have-"

"No!" Cas interrupted, "I mean, maybe we were going too fast, but It wasn't your fault… I mean, I wanted to as well." Cas sat up and moved over to sit beside Dean. The two just sat there for a moment listening to the sounds of other men waking up and getting ready for the day.

Dean slipped his hand into Cas's, lacing their fingers together.

"You gonna be all right," Dean asked looking down at Cas's still evident erection straining under his pants. Cas blushed saying, "I think I can manage… I-If you give me some time… How about yourself," Cas asked, looking toward Dean's even more obvious erection under his thin boxers.

"Oh uh," Dean mumbled blushing, "Same… I guess I'll just… I'll move the bed. Just, just don't look, ok?"

"Same," Cas answered suddenly realizing how embarrassing it might be to jerk off in front of Dean.

Dean moved his bed back to his side of the room and realized Cas had already started. He heard the constant shifting of fabric along with small grunts. Getting into his bed, Dean didn't bother pulling up the blanket. Wrapping his hand around his cock Dean let out a small gasp. He began sliding his hand up and down varying his strokes in speed and pressure. He could hear Cas's breath grow faster and shorter across the room. Only making him harder Dean began stroking faster and faster. He let out a quick moan feeling the pleasure build in him. Hearing Cas let out a long moan, Dean finally looked over at Cas as he began stroking harder.

Cas saw Dean look at him and almost turned to look away. He was trapped in Dean's gaze as he continued stroking his erection, feeling it slick over with pre-cum. He felt his hips buck up as his head shot back. He soon brought his gaze back to Dean's watching his hand quickly stroke under his boxers. Cas wondered what he looked like. He was so close to seeing, but so far at the same time. Cas felt himself melting with pleasure as his breath began hitching more frequently and waves of intense pleasure ran through him. He heard Dean moan squeezing his eyes shut briefly before returning his eyes to Cas.

"Dean," Cas breathed, feeling his orgasm rising within him.

"C-as," he heard Dean moan back.

Cas pumped his hand hard and quickly a few times more as he felt his orgasm rip through him. His body tensed as his head shot back, losing his gaze on Dean. As he rode out his orgasm he heard Dean groan across the room. Quickly sneaking a glance Cas saw Dean was in a state much like himself and had come as well.

After a few moments, Dean pulled his hands from his now soiled boxers and wiped his hand on the fabric. He rubbed his shirt over his stomach cleaning off some of the come that hit him there. Looking over he saw Cas pulling down his blanket revelling a pulled down pair of pants and a pair of boxers sporting a wet patch where Cas had come. They both Got up walking towards each other.

Cas wrapped his hands around Dean's waist as Dean let his arms rest on Cas's shoulders. Cas kissed Dean softly before he released saying, "We should probably clean up."

"Yea," Dean agreed before sneaking in a quick kiss, "We're kind of a mess."

The two separated as they went over and began changing. Dean was happy, very happy. He couldn't remember a time that he felt like this. Every time he looked at Cas, his heart skipped a beat. Everything about Cas seemed perfect to him, it was like he was an Angel, a gift from God.

As the two finished dressing Cas made his way over to Dean taking his hands in his. "We're gonna be ok, right?"

Squeezing Cas's hands Dean replied, "We will. We'll be fine. As long as we don't do anything out of the tents, we should be ok."

Cas squeezed Dean's hands back before releasing them.

"Let's go, we've probably got one hell of a day ahead of us after what happened yesterday."

The two smiled at each other before walking out of their tent. From anyone's view, they looked completely normal. Two military partners making their way to breakfast. But they were more than that. They had feelings for each other, deep feelings. They shared a bond none of the other men had. They looked completely normal, but inside they were both struggling to control their joy, emotion, and nerves.

The day was pretty relaxed for the two. Because their base had been bombed and Cas was still on watch for injury, they stayed behind at camp and helped out. Cas and Dean began by helping move boxes from the supply trucks that had shown up that morning. As they helped unload the trucks they couldn't help but glance at each other at every possible chance.

Cas was happy, very happy. His heart felt warm and his body was a flutter. 'This is insane,' Cas thought throughout the day. Insane for a couple of reasons. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. He couldn't believe it was happening here of all places. It was a pretty dangerous thing for them to be doing, and that worried him. But he knew it was worth it.

He felt so much joy inside him. All the doubts he had had before about whether or not enlisting had been worth it had vanished. Everything felt so right with Dean.

He knew he was being unrealistic. They had only showed their feelings for each other a couple of hours ago. But their feelings were strong. He definitely know that. And what they were doing was a risk, a huge one at that, 'The fact that Dean is willing to take that risk means he really cares for me,' Cas thought.

Dean felt a wave of joy rush through him every time his eyes met Cas's. He couldn't help the smile slapped across his face. He knew he probably looked like a dork, but frankly he didn't care. 'Cas likes me,' Dean thought passing a box onto a cart, 'Holy shit.'

After about an hour the trucks were finally unloaded. Cas and Dean had a break now and headed over back towards to their tent.

"Hey Winchester," Cas heard as he saw another soldier punch Dean's arm, "Did someone get a special letter last night, or a _very_ special video call?"

The man laughed after asking Dean the question. Dean's expression turned to confusion for a second before asking, "W-what do you mean."

"Your girlfriend, I can see it on your face man, you've had this dreamy face all morning, its actually pretty funny."

"Oh no," Dean awkwardly laughed back, his arm going to the back of his head, "It's nothing really, I mean-"

"Oh shit! I was right," the man exclaimed, "Lovasz, I told you, he's gonna get laid hard when he gets back!"

Lovasz walked over clapping his hand on Dean's shoulder congratulating him in his apparent success with his 'girlfriend'. Cas was a bit confused, and pretty annoyed. He wanted to set things straight here, but he knew he couldn't. 'They wouldn't understand,' Cas thought, 'Rather, they would and they we really would be fucked.'

"See ya' later guys," Dean waved as he made his way over to Cas and the two walked back to their room.

"Well, that was pretty weird," Dean said looking over at Cas.

"Yea, I guess. We're just lucky that they didn't actually realize why exactly you were so happy."

"I'm pretty sure _they_ wouldn't be too happy about it," Dean replied softly as he wrapped his hands around Cas's waist pulling him in and nuzzling his head into Cas's hair.

"You're probably right," Cas laughed. He let his arms glide up Dean's back in response, "But maybe they are right, just a little."

"What do you mean," Dean asked as he pulled his head back up.

"Maybe you will get laid, but perhaps a bit sooner than they predicted," Cas answered looking down shyly.

"Fuck Cas," Dean answered grabbing Cas's jaw and pulling him in for a kiss. He let his lips softly press onto Cas's and felt his body fill with warmth upon the contact. Bringing his fingers into Cas's hair he let his fingers glide through.

Cas kissed Dean back eagerly and felt himself moan into Dean's mouth as he felt Dean's hands softly pull through his hair. His hands tugged Dean's shirt out of his pants and Cas let his hands glide over Dean's back. Cas let his lips press down on Dean's harder as he started lightly sucking on the other man's lips causing a moan to escape Dean. Cas began slightly nipping Dean's lips for a bit before he returned to kissing him more tenderly.

Dean finally pulled away slightly out of breath. "You're amazing," Dean said as he took in the sight of Cas before him. He looked perfect. His hair was dishevelled just as he liked it. His eyes shined bright, a blue like the sky. And his lips, they were slightly swollen which made Dean smile, satisfied that he left somewhat of a mark.


	8. Vanilla

The next few days went by too quickly. They were both still at camp and began to realize how much work went into maintaining the place. They had kitchen duty, they watched radar, and they stood on guard.

"It's kinda nice," Cas whispered as they walked along their post.

"What'ya mean," Dean asked.

"That we're on post here now. I mean it sucks what happened, but it's less stressful here, and were still helping out a lot."

"That's a good point," Dean said smiling, "And there's a bit more time for us to be in our tent, which I like a lot," Dean continued as he playfully nudged Cas's arm.

Cas smiled and looked up at Dean. He lost himself in the other man's eyes, and stopped walking. Dean took notice and grew worried suddenly.

"Cas, are you ok?"

"Oh, uh yea, sorry," Cas said escaping from his trance, "I just… I really want to kiss you right now."

"Me too," Dean said, turning to face Cas fully.

Dean looked around checking to see if anyone was around making sure they wouldn't get caught, he pulled Cas in with one of his hands and quickly kissed Cas softly on his lips before pulling away fast. Cas's cheeks flushed as he felt Dean's lips on his, but there were gone just as fast as they had come. But it was enough.

"Hey Novak, Winchester," a man called, causing the two to turn around quickly, "We're here to take your shift over, you're on break."

Dean's heart began racing, worried that they had seen them kiss.

"Yea, ok… thanks," Dean stuttered as he and Cas turned to leave.

"Do you think they saw us," Cas asked, his voice shaking.

"I mean, I checked before and no one was there… And it didn't seem like he noticed, I mean if he had, he probably would have freaked out. Everyone knows Moffat is a homophobe."

"You're probably right," Cas said as they made their way to their tent, hearts still racing.

Cas immediately sat down right after entering the tent.

"I'm still worried Dean," Cas said.

"It's ok, I am too," Dean replied sitting down next to Cas, "But I'm sure he didn't notice. We just can't do that anymore, I shouldn't have done that."

"No," Cas whispered, "I wanted you to."

Dean pulled his fingers through Cas's hair as he looked into his eyes. He let his thumb slide over Cas's ear playing with it for a bit.

"We've, got some time," Dean said quietly.

Cas took the hint and kissed Dean immediately filling the kiss with passion. Dean's breath hitched on contact before he began kissing Cas back. He let one of his hand's wrap around Cas's back and pull him closer. Suddenly Cas climbed onto Dean's lap and slid his hands under Dean's shirt. Cas began letting his finger's slide across Dean's smooth muscles as he kissed Dean deeper, letting his tongue sweep over Dean's. He loved this, this moment. He felt so happy and full of energy. His chest was on fire and his head felt clouded, he was lost in the moment.

Dean moaned as he felt Cas's finger slide over his nipple. Cas took notice and began playing with Dean's nipples intently. Dean felt his body react and heat begin to rise in his groin. When his shirt was pulled off Dean felt Cas's lips suck over one of his nipples. He moaned as he felt Cas's tongue flick over the bud causing Dean's erection to grow.

"_Cas_," Dean moaned as the sensations began overtaking him.

"You need to stay quiet Dean," Cas teased looking up at Dean smiling.

"Shit Cas," Dean said as he felt Cas's kisses going lower, "Do you know what you're doing to me right now?"

He felt Cas answer with a moan over his clothed groin causing Dean's hands to grip the bed sheets as his head rolled back as he tried to stifle his moan.

"Cas, _please_," Dean begged, "Oh God," Dean moaned as Cas moved his hands up and let his fingers flick over Dean's nipple.

Cas continued teasing Dean as the other man tried to control his gasping and his moans. He felt his erection straining against his pants. Cas shifted over him causing Dean to let out a sharp gasp as the friction increased.

"I told you I heard it," a voice said from outside.

"Shit," Cas said realizing they've been heard, "We need to be quiet Dean," he whispered.

Dean tried to be quiet but he was still breathing hard. His body was on fire and he was having trouble trying to calm it down.

"I don't hear anything," another voice spoke.

"I totally heard it man, just stay for a bit longer."

"Nah I'm just gonna go back, this is a waste of my time," a pair of footsteps followed as one of the men walked away.

"Whatever," they heard someone mumble as footsteps sounded again, leaving their proximity.

Cas let out a sigh of relief as he sat up on top of Dean.

"That was close Dean," Cas said with a serious expression on his face.

"Yea, your right," Dean answered, his voice breaking as his body was still calming down.

"Oh shit, sorry," Cas said realizing Dean was hard and he wasn't doing anything to help by sitting on top of his erection.

"N-it's ok," Dean groaned before taking in a large breath of air.

"Do you want me to-"

"_Shit yes_- I mean, no. Never mind, we can't risk it."

Cas didn't answer as he slid back onto Dean's thighs and rubbed the palm of his hand over Dean's bulge.

"I think it'll be worth the risk," Cas whispered smiling mischievously.

Dean's mind began racing as he felt Cas slowly rub his hand over his erection causing him squirm under Cas and let out choked moans.

Cas unzipped Dean's pants and pushed his hand underneath Dean's boxers. Dean gasped and his body stiffened as he felt Cas's fingers around his dick. Cas began working his hand up and down, loosening and tightening his grip. Cas brought his hand out and tugged at Dean's pants. Happily obliging, Dean lifted his hips allowing Cas to pull his pants down.

Dean's heart rate increased as he saw Cas's head bow down and his eyes flick up before he kissed the head of Dean's penis. Cas let his tongue slide on the underside from the tip to base. Opening his mouth, Cas took Dean's dick in. He began bobbing his head up and down as his tongue slid around massaging Dean's erection. Dean's breath began hitching and he let out short gasps as Cas worked on him. Dean felt heat pooling more and more and he knew he was close.

Cas brought one hand to Dean's balls and slowly began massaging as Dean gripped his hair almost pushing him down harder. Cas could taste the precum leaking out as he began moving his head faster and his tongue harder. Slowly Cas moved his hand away and pushed up one of Dean's thighs giving him more access.

Dean felt Cas's hand slide down a bit before he felt it teasing his hole. He was shocked but he felt his body reacting positively. Dean had never been with a guy before, so this was all new to him, but God was he loving it. He felt Cas's mouth leave his dick before he felt something wet on his hole. He felt a tongue moving over it and he began squirming in pleasure as his breath began coming more and more uneven. Cas's hand wrapped over Dean's erection and began moving up and down. His pace increased as Dean began moaning more and more and his hips began moving sporadically. Cas pushed his tongue in Dean's hole and Dean let out a loud restrained gasp.

Cas could tell Dean was close and pumped his hand harder and faster. He loved hearing Dean come undone and tried to tease his hole more and more as he brushed his finger over Dean's tip. Dean let out a groan as his hips bucked up and his body stiffened. Cas felt cum on his hand as he continued pumping bringing Dean through his orgasm.

Pulling his head up Cas saw Dean breathing heavily and revelled in the expression on Dean's face. As dean continued breathing heavily Cas bent down again and began licking up the cum on Dean's torso.

"_God Cas_," Dean breathed as he looked down at Cas licking him clean.

Cas licked his lips as he finished and brought himself up and kissed Dean softly. Dean kissed back and found himself exploring Cas's mouth for some reason enjoying tasting himself on Cas's tongue. Cas pulled away and let his hand run through Dean's hair. Dean kissed him quickly before saying, "That was amazing Cas."

Cas smiled saying, "I'm glad you liked it."

"You know," Dean laughed, "You have cum in your hair."

"Oh shut up," Cas replied smiling.

Playing with Dean's hand Cas smiles feeling the soft tendrils beneath his fingers.

"How much time do you think we have before we have to go back?"

"An hour I guess," Dean replied as he brushed his thumb over Cas's cheek.

Cas laid down next to Dean and wrapped himself around him as they took the rest of their break to be together, and rest.

After waking up, the two made themselves presentable and went back out. It was already almost dinner at that time and a lot of the men were getting back from their bases. Cas and Dean helped load up some trucks and quickly finished.

By now they were thankfully getting used to the food. They sat down across from each other like they always do and began eating.

"Not bad," Dean commented taking a bite of the food.

Cas smiled and nodded in agreement as he took a bite himself. Around them conversations were busily going on. Men were talking about their families, things they missed, work, sports, and everything in-between.

"So, today," Cas said blushing, "That was pretty good yea?"

Dean almost choked in surprise at Cas's willingness to talk about that out in public, but he realized no one was paying attention to them of ever guess what the hell they were talking about.

"Yea, it was," He smiled looking at Cas taking in the man across from. Dean brought his hand up to his head and let his fingers rub that back of his hair. "You're amazing Cas, you know that," Dean asked looking down, a bit embarrassed.

Cas reached over and quickly squeezed Dean's hand, "So are you."

"So Novak, you're birthday's coming up in a few weeks." Cas pulled his hand away as one of the commanding officers walked up to them.

"We can't do much for you, but we sure can try."

"Oh," Cas murmured, looking over at Dean and back at the officer, "It's ok, I don't need anything."

"Bullshit," he said, "What kind of cake do you like, we can round up something like that, and I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Oh, vanilla I guess."

"Good, continue on," the officer said before sharply turning and walking off.

"_What the hell Cas_?" Dean exclaimed, "You didn't fucking tell me your birthday was coming up!"

"Well, it's not really important…"

"To hell it's not! Seriously what the hell am I supposed to get you, I don't have any time to ask for something to be sent from home."

Dean was a bit shocked at the recent revelation. He really liked Cas and wanted everything between them to be perfect. Even his birthday he wanted it all to be perfect.

"I said it's fine," Cas instead not wanting to make a big deal with it.

"Fine, fine. Be that way," Dean laughed, "But tell me exactly when it is at least, please?"

"Fine, two Wednesdays from now."

"Ok, well don't expect me to not have anything lined up," Dean said, going back to his food.

Cas smiled and began eating again. The rest of their meal continued like normal. They talked about different things. For some reason, Cas was always so interested in what Dean had to say. He loved hearing him talk and watching his face light up.

Making their way back to their tent Cas thought about his day. 'It was pretty amazing,' he thought. Cas smiled thinking about the risks they took today and how lucky they were that they got away with everything.

"What's so funny," Dean asked, nudging Cas playfully with his shoulder.

"I was just thinking about today. It was pretty crazy when you think about," He said smiling as he looked up at Dean.

"I think we're pretty crazy Cas." The two stepped into their tent, "But I love that."

Dean wrapped his hands around Cas's waist and pulled him in. He kissed Cas and allowed himself to loosen up. Pulling away after quite some time he said, "It's pretty hard for me to not do that all day."

"Same for me," Cas said kissing Dean softly.

The two broke apart and got their things for the bathroom. After brushing their teeth and using the bathroom they made it back to the room and began undressing. Dean sat on his bed undoing his boots slowly as he watched Cas peel away his clothes. As Cas pulled off his shirt Dean felt his heart flutter, he kept his gaze as Cas moved onto his pants, pulling them off. Cas glanced over at Dean stopping once he caught Dean's eyes.

"Hey, don't stop for me Cas," Dean said smiling.

"Shut up," Cas retorted continuing to remove his pants.

They both finished up and Dean turned off the light. Cas climbed into bed and thought about his day again. 'God I'm lucky,' he thought.

"Goodnight Cas," he heard Dean say.

"Night Dean."


	9. A Good Birthday

Over the next week Dean worried about what he should get Cas. He had found out about his birthday too late to ask for Sam to send something from home, so he had to find something there. 'Maybe something I already have,' he thought to himself, 'But that's a pretty shity thing to do.'

Dean really wanted to make Cas happy, he wanted to give him a good gift something meaningful.

"What's up," Cas asked on their ride to a new base, they were relocating bases that day finally after theirs was attacked.

"Oh, it's nothing. I mean, I don't know what to get you for your birthday."

"Seriously Dean," Cas said, "I said I don't want anything for my birthday, I don't want to make a big deal out of it. And it's not your fault, I didn't tell you, so there really isn't anything you could get me anyway."

"Yea I guess you're right, but I like giving people gifts, and birthdays only come once a year. In a place like this, we need all the fun we can get."

"Yea that's true," Cas agreed, "But seriously, I don't want anything," he continued on whispering, "I already have you, and that's all I want."

Dean sat there in silence the remainder of the ride. His thoughts were racing still trying to think of the perfect gift. 'I already have you, and that's all I want,' he recalled. Smiling to himself Dean thought it over a few times more. He was sure as hell nervous, but he was pretty sure he had the right gift. 'I don't even know much about this,' he thought, 'Shit.' Dean looked over at Cas and saw him turn to smile up at him, 'It'll be fine, I hope,' Dean thought, 'He'll love it.'

"Happy birthday Novak," the officer said as he placed a vanilla cake on the table where Cas was sitting. Across from him Dean smiled and the men around them began crowding hoping to get a slice. As Cas shared his cake, receiving wishes for a safe and good year ahead, he couldn't help but notice Dean's uneasiness. Actually, he'd been acting a bit strange for the past few days. But Cas had dismissed it all together.

After their dessert, the two headed back to their tent. "Hey Dean," Cas said upon their arrival, "Thanks for not getting me anything, I mean it, I really don't want this to be a big deal."

"Oh yea, no problem," Dean mumbled placing his hand behind his head and rubbing it nervously. He was getting more and more awkward Cas had noticed, especially in the last few hours.

"Hey, maybe we should shower," Dean said gathering up his things up.

"Ok, sure. Give me a sec," Cas said, before gathering his things and heading out.

The two ended up going to the bathroom before using the shower, and Dean made sure to stay in there for a while. Not only was he nervous, but he knew they would have to stay up a bit later than most people, just in case. He was stalling for time, and stalling because of his anxiety.

"Are you ok," Dean heard Cas ask from outside his stall.

"Oh, uh- yea I'm fine," Dean lied, quickly getting out and heading toward the shower.

Cas entered his shower stall and got out of his clothes. His mind was full of ideas as to why Dean was acting so strange, but he really had no idea. Cas saw Dean remove his clothes and turn on the water, and he followed suit. Feeling the warm water fall over him helped clear his head a bit. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Dean lathering soap all over his body. Cas couldn't help but turn to look as Dean's fingers glided over his smooth skin. Cas whished those hands were his, and he was in there with Dean. But obviously that would never happen, at least for a long time, he thought.

Trying to get his mind off Dean's body Cas began washing his hair with shampoo. It helped for a bit as he closed his eyes avoiding looking at Dean. But when his hair was rinsed clean, once again his eyes were glued on the man next to him. Soon Dean had finished washing himself and Cas was thankful they could leave soon. He was getting hard, and he didn't want anyone to notice, especially not here.

Dean however wasn't ready to get out. Again he was stalling for time. He washed himself again noticing that they were the last two in the showers. He gave himself a couple more minutes before turning off the shower and heading out. He wrapped the towel around his waist and grabbed his stuff.

"Hey Dean," Cas called, "Aren't you going to change here?"

"Oh, uh no, I uh- I forgot my stuff, back in the tent."

Cas thought that was pretty strange but followed Dean anyway. He felt the crisp night air on his body as they walked in silence. Dean looked strange, even stranger than he had looked all day. Outside of their tent Cas stopped Dean saying, "Seriously Dean, what is going on."

"What do you mean," Dean tried saying as calm as possible.

"Well I don't know, that's why I'm asking! You've been acting weird for the past few days and I want to know why. If something's wrong or bothering you, I want to know, I want to help."

"I said it's nothing Cas,"

"No, tell me," Cas demanded.

Dean knew Cas was serious, and didn't want to raise a commotion waking up their neighbours, "Ok fine," he said, "I'll tell you inside."

Dean's heart was racing as they entered and he closed the tent.

"So, what is it," Cas asked.

Dean turned towards Cas after putting his stuff down. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down.

"Your birthday present-"

"I already said Dean, I don't want anything," Dean could tell Cas was getting annoyed.

"Well, yea I know, but-"

"I said I don't want anything, it's just my birthday. It's really not a big d-"

Cas was cut off by Dean's mouth on his. He felt Dean's hands wrap around him and he let his own hands lay on Dean's waist. Dean pulled Cas in tightly and began kissing with more passion. Cas felt Dean's tongue against his as if longing for something. Feeling his erection beginning to return as their bodies rubbed together Cas pulled away.

"You didn't answer my question," he breathed.

"Happy birthday."

"W-what do you mean?

"You said all you wanted was me, and I'm giving you _me_."

Cas stared at Dean for a minute trying to understand exactly what he was saying. Dean's heart was racing prepared for rejection as his body filled with fear.

"Do you mean-"

"_Yes_," Dean answered quietly.

Cas kissed Dean hard on the mouth before moving his hands to pull off Dean's towel. He moved his hands over to his own towel and let it drop. He could feel Dean's erection on his as their bodies moved together. Cas was overwhelmed. This was not what he had expected in the slightest. But he was happy, very happy.

Dean felt heat begin to pool in his groin as he felt Cas's dick on his. Inadvertently his hips began to buck and grind over Cas's and he heard the other man moan in response. Bringing his hands down, Dean let his hands grab Cas's ass and he squeezed. He hadn't expected to do that, but he was glad he did. Cas kissed him harder and ground his hips into Dean's in response.

Dean let his hands glide over Cas's ass feeling the muscle underneath. He brought his hands up along Cas's sides and let his fingers tickle Cas's skin.

Cas brought his kisses lower and began sucking on Dean's neck. This caused Dean's hips to grind against Cas's as he let out a gasp. He tried to control his breathing as Cas began kissing and sucking harder, noticing how undone Dean was getting from this. Cas felt them both becoming very hard and brought his lips up to Dean's ear. He bit Dean's ear teasingly before whispering, "Bed."

Dean followed as Cas pulled him onto the bed. Landing on top, Dean took the opportunity to look down at Cas before kissing him. Cas brought his hands up into Dean's head and tugged as he felt Dean's body moving against his. He could feel Dean's leg against his dick sending pleasure throughout his body.

Cas was getting drawn into the moment. Everything around them was melting away and it was just the two of them.

"Dean," Cas said sharply turning his head. He looked up at Dean seeing the worry in the other man's eyes. "Are you sure you want to- I mean, it's your first time, you don't have to do this for me."

"Please Cas," Dean breathed, "I want this," He continued as he purposefully ground his erection against Cas's.

"Oh fuck," Cas moaned before capturing Dean's lips with his, "But are you sure? We could wait, if you want."

"I want this Cas, as long as you do too," Dean smiled.

"Yes," Cas said as he brought his hands down and began playing with Dean's nipple. He let the bud fall between his fingers as he slowly teased him. Cas used his tongue to more passionately kiss dean as he began grinding his hips into Deans. He wanted Dean to feel pleasure, he wanted his first time to be great.

"_C-cas_," Dean breathed as Cas began rubbing Dean's nipples harder. Cas could feel Dean's erection and smiled at his work.

With one swift motion Cas was on top of Dean. He sat up straight looking down at the man below him.

"Like the view," Dean teased rolling his hips causing Cas to gasp.

"_Y-yes_."

Cas let his hands slide over Deans hips a few times before making their way down. He let his fingers slowly make their way through Dean's pubic hair before he slowly let one finger trace the top of Dean's dick from base to tip.

Taking notice to how Dean's body squirmed below him, Cas slowly wrapped a hand around his erection and began pumping. Below him Dean was trying to quiet his voice as his body was filling with pleasure. Dean had never felt like this before. He'd been with girls before, quite a few, but no one had ever been like this. Cas was different, he was special.

"_Ca-as_," Dean moaned as he bucked into Cas's hand.

Cas new he'd better start soon because he could tell Dean might lose it before he did.

"Dean, Is it ok if I-"

"P-lease," Dean begged.

"It's your first time so I figured-"

"Fuck, please, I already said yes, fuck me Cas"

Cas moved down Deans legs as he removed his hand from Dean's dick. They'd been pretty open about their lives, so Cas knew they were both clean, and he didn't have to worry.

"Do you have any-"

"In the box under the bed."

Cas quickly got the lube and generously covered his fingers after putting the condom on. He pulled Dean's legs up giving him better access and propped them over his shoulders. Taking one finger Cas slowly placed it over Dean's hole and slowly moved it around making sure to not move too quickly. After a bit, he slowly pressed his finger in, feeling Dean's tightness.

"You need to relax Dean," Cas instructed.

He was able to push his finger in more as Dean relaxed. Cas began moving his finger around, in and out getting Dean used to its presence.

"I'm putting in another," Cas warned before he carefully pushed in a second finger.

Dean gasped in pain as he felt the second finger go in.

"Are you ok?"

"Y-yes," Dean said, trying to sound confident. He felt the finger go deeper as the pain increased. 'How the _fuck_ is this going to happen,' Dean thought as his body adjusted to the fingers. Cas started pushing his fingers deeper before pulling back and pushing in more. Dean felt his body responding as his hips began rolling into Cas as if begging for more. He began gasping in both pain and pleasure as Cas began scissoring his fingers trying to loosen Dean up. Dean felt his body fill with even more heat and pleasure as he relaxed even more.

Suddenly he felt Cas remove his fingers.

"I think you're ready," Cas said.

Dean saw Cas take hold of his own penis and he felt it on his hole. His body filled with fear, excitement, and anticipation. This was really going to happen, Dean was so happy he had waited, he waited for Cas.

"I'm going in, ok," Cas said before he began slowly pushing in.

Dean nodded letting Cas know he was ready.

"_Shi-it_," Dean groaned biting his fist.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Fuck no, please more," Dean demanded.

Cas complied as he slowly pushed all the way in. He pulled back again and felt his own body shudder in pleasure as he felt Dean's body around him. Cas bent over more and took Dean's lips in his for a moment before pushing in a bit faster. Dean let out another gasp before bucking his hips into Cas asking for more. Cas began moving in and out faster and harder now that Dean's body was used to him. Cas could feel the pleasure rush through his body as he moved deeper and deeper. Dean's hips rocked up as his mind started going blank. He was lost in the pleasure.

Dean loved feeling so close to Cas. His whole body was reacting and filling with pleasure. His heart felt swelled with happiness and he couldn't take his eyes off the man above him as they rocket together.

Suddenly Dean let out a loud gasp as Cas hit his prostate. Dean cursed as Cas rammed into him once again hitting the same spot.

"_F-uck, C-s_," Dean moaned out.

Cas knew Dean was close and he was too, he began moving in and out faster and faster as his motions became more sporadic and uncontrolled. He felt Dean clench around him after he pushed in once more.

Dean's head rocked back as his hips rocked up and pleasure shot through him. He felt a warm liquid hit his torso as his orgasm rolled through him. Cas moaned loudly and hit his limit as well, his body tensed up filling Dean.

Dean felt his body fill with warmth as Cas released inside of Dean. The two kept rocking as they rode out their orgasms. Dean was breathing heavily and Cas was trying to catch his own breath. Cas pulled out before letting his body drop onto Deans. He let his fingers glide through Dean's hair as he kissed him deeply.

"Cas," Dean breathed.

Cas just kissed him back before rolling next to him. He was exhausted and knew Dean was too. Feeling a warmth in his chest Cas looked at Dean smiling, 'God I love him,' he thought. He saw Dean's eyes closing and guessed he could wait to tell him for a bit. Dean was probably still not used to being with a guy and they'd only been together for a month, but it felt so much longer. They'd become so close in the three months they'd been on tour.

Dean let his mind float as his body relaxed. He felt amazing, better than he had ever felt before. Smiling Dean felt Cas's arm and leg wrap around him. He thought of his day and how nervous he had been before. 'Cas liked his present I guess,' Dean thought. He smiled and felt his heart skip a beat as heard Cas say, "Goodnight Dean."

"Goodnight Cas," he replied softly, his mind losing its battle to sleep, 'I love you,' he thought as he fell asleep.

"_Winchester, Novak! What in the name of Hell are you two doing_?"


	10. Separation

Cas shot up in surprise as he tried to figure out what was going on. He felt someone squirm next to him and realized it was Dean. He felt his heart sink as he realized what was happening. Dean looked up at him smiling before seeing the look of horror on Cas's face. He turned to where Cas was looking and felt his whole body fill with pain. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking, _fuck_,' he thought.

He sat up and took Cas's hand in his, they were both screwed, but there was no way he would deny what exactly their relationship was.

"Would you two like to fucking explain yourselves? Everyone's here," He said, gesturing beside him. And he was right a lot of other soldiers were there, staring shocked.

"I- sir-" Cas tried to say, but he could hardly speak.

"Shut up Novak, you and your fuck buddy have a lot of explaining to do." Dean winced at those words, 'Fuck buddy, I love him not-' his thoughts were cut off as the officer continued, "In five minutes I expect you two in the General's office. And you better fucking have some close on you _fags_!"

Cas felt his body filling with fear and pain. Their tent closed and he heard the men walking away. Looking over at the clock he noticed it was 6:43 A.M. they had slept in almost an hour.

"I'm so- sor-ry," Cas breathed, his head hanging low as his eyes began filling with tears.

"_Cas_," Dean said as he wrapped his arms around him, "This was my idea. It's my fault, I should never have pushed-"

"You didn't push me Dean," Cas snapped, "I wanted this, I have for a while."

Dean stood up and pulled Cas up with him, lowering his head he pulled Cas in and kissed him softly. He let his love flow through his kiss as his emotions ran wild.

"Come on," Dean said, "We'd better go."

Cas felt Dean squeeze his hand before turning and beginning to dress. Taking a deep breath Cas tried to Calm down, They were fucked, and it wasn't going to end well.

A few minutes later Cas and Dean left their tent. The men hadn't left for their bases yet, so all eyes were on them. They could see people turning to one another and talking about them. A few slurs were thrown their way, and each time Cas had to stop Dean from going at them.

Taking a deep breath Cas opened the door and let Dean in as he followed behind. They were escorted to the General's office where they took their seats.

"I heard you two were caught in- compromising circumstances this morning, is that true?"

"What the hell do you mean by 'compromising'," Dean snapped.

"Calm down," Cas whispered squeezing Dean's leg.

Raising his voice a little the General continued, "At 7:43 this morning you two were found naked in bed together," Looking sternly at Dean he continued, "Now I can only think of one reason why you two would be in this situation."

"I do not believe we did anything wrong Sir," Cas replied.

"Besides being late and sleeping in, you presumably had sex with another officer while on duty, is that correct?"

"It is Sir, but"

"It is in fact against the rules for two officers stationed at the same base to be 'involved' with one another at any time on duty. This is precisely why we do not allowed married couples to serve together."

"But-"

The captain cleared his throat loudly and continued. "It is a huge distraction to say the least. Now, I do not have any problem with two men being together. I think it's great. Just not here. And I can't just let you off with a warning like I would have if I had caught you."

Cas's heart was aching and he could see the pain and worry in Dean's expression, "But unfortunately _I_ didn't catch you, another man did, one who is not as lenient about these things as I am, and you have more than a few other witnesses as well. Now I apologise for all this really, he shouldn't have shown you off like that, and he will be punished, but I have to remove one of you."

"W-what do you mean," Cas asked, his voice shaking.

"One of you will be removed from this camp and relocated for the remainder of his tour."

"You can't fucking do that," Dean yelled.

Dean was so confused. Everything was happening so fast and tearing apart right before him. Just when he thought he was finally happy, it was beginning taken away from him.

"I'm sorry but I have to. As of today, Castiel Novak, you will be transferred to the Cerro Camp until the remainder of your tour is over."

"No, fuck you," Dean yelled, "You _can't_ do this, I won't fucking let you!"

Cas just sat there in silence as he let it sink in. It was over, it was all over. His heart felt like it was breaking and he couldn't do anything about it. The General headed to the door opening it and was met by two officers, "Gentlemen, please escort Winchester and Novak out and bring Novak to the vehicle."

"Fuck you, you fucking dick," Dean was yelling and his voice was breaking. He felt like his whole life was being ripped out from under him. Looking at Cas he saw tears in the other man's eyes. Dean struggled ad the men brought them out.

They were taken across the yard as the men around them stared in awe. They stopped in front of a vehicle that was open.

"Novak, you will be coming with us to be transported to Sequoia."

"I- No," Cas said softly crying.

"They're going to kill him," Dean interrupted.

"That _wasn't_ a question sir."

"You know that place is worse than hell, you gonna make him fucking die," Dean yelled.

Cas looked over at Dean before his face was flooded with tears. It was over, it was all over. He finally had found the man he loved, the one he loved more than anything in the world. The man who cared about him so much, who got him, and was his best friend.

Not being restrained unlike Dean, Cas ran the few steps to Dean and kissed him hard, not caring about anything else in the world.

For a second Dean's empty heart began filling again. But as soon as it started it was gone, Castiel was grabbed and being pulled away from him his warm soft lips being pulled away too. Tears began to run down Dean's face as he tried to pull away from the men holding onto him. He saw as the other men forced Cas into the vehicle and the engine started.

"_Cas_ no," Dean cried, his voice rubbing raw, "_Please no_!"

"Dean, I'm sorry, _I'm so sorry_," Cas cried his body shaking in pain.

"Cas _please_," Dean yelled as he saw the van pulling away.

"_De-an_," Cas choked out.

"Cas, I_ lov_-," but the door to the vehicle slammed shut and they were speeding away.

The men let go of Dean allowing him fall to the ground. Kneeling in the dirt Dean tried to stop choking and steady his breathing.

He felt pain, so much pain. Cas was gone, '_Gone_'. His heart felt like it had been cut open he felt as if he was dying.

Tears hit the earth causing the dirt to darken matching Dean's mood and the world he was not in. He was empty, everything was gone.

"_I love you_," he whispered before passing out in shock, completely empty.


	11. So Far Away

"Novak," Cas's mind was abuzz. He was thinking about everything, and nothing all at once. So much had happened in the last day he couldn't focus on anything. All he knew for sure that he was in pain. So much pain.

"Novak!"

Castiel jerked up looking around seeing that he was being called. Realizing they stopped, he stood up and stumbled out.

"Novak, welcome to Cerro. For now, you will be taken to your tent and later we will find you a partner."

Cas could barely hear what the man was saying to him. He didn't even know how long he had been in the jeep. He hardly could remember much of that day except for being taken away from Dean.

At the thought, Cas felt a twinge of pain saying, "Fuck."

"What was that," the man yelled at Cas.

"Nothing sir. I- Nothing."

Cas noticed a bag was left next to him and picked it up noticing his name on it. He assumed they must have packed his things for him. Following another officer, he made it to his room.

"You have to be ready at lunch, so that leaves you one hour," the man said, before leaving Cas in his tent.

'We must have drove for at least two and a half hours,' Cas thought. He placed his bag down before sitting down on his new bed.

It didn't feel right, nothing did. Leaning into his hands, Cas felt tears forming in his eyes. 'Fuck,' he thought, 'How did I end up here.' Taking a deep breath Cas let himself cry freely. 'I'm never going to see him again. He's probably going to- or I'm going to… die.'

Dean woke up head on fire. He felt a sharp pain and had to lay back down. A medic came over to help him telling him to lay down.

"What happened," Dean asked. He looked around, taking in his environment. He felt stiff and he felt cold.

"You passed out. We're not exactly sure why, you're perfectly healthy bu-"

"Cas," Dean breathed, "Where's Cas?"

"Novak- has been transferred, to Cerro. I thought you would remember your little fuck toy being taken away from you," Dean realized the man speaking was the one who had woken them this morning, the one who had ruined everything.

"Fuck you," Dean yelled, trying to get up. The medic next to him restrained him as he struggled.

"Sir, I suggest you leave. Winchester is not in a state for visitors," the medic said.

The man huffed, turning on his heal and walking out.

Dean allowed himself to relax, now that the man was gone. He started to think about what had happened. Everything was lost. Cas was gone, taken away. 'He's gonna get hurt,' Dean thought his body tensing at the thought.

"Sir, you need to rest, right now we're monitoring you and you should be released by this evening."

Dean heard the man, but didn't react. All he could think about was Cas. He was missing, he was so far away. Dean was empty.

At seven o'clock at night, Dean was released. He made his way slowly to the dining area, taking his food to a secluded area to eat. He didn't want to see all the other men having fun, talking to each other. It reminded him too much of what he was missing.

After eating in silence, Dean threw away his leftover food and walked to his tent. He stopped right as he walked in and looked around. He felt so alone without Cas. For the last few months, they had been together all day. Cas was what made him most comfortable and now that he was gone, everything seemed wrong.

Dean decided to go to bed early that night. He had nothing left he wanted to do, no one to stay up for. After taking off his uniform he sat on his bed, trying to relax. He stared across the room to Cas's empty bed. It was still messy from this morning and the thought of last night made Dean smile, but only for a moment.

His mind back in reality, Dean felt crushed once again. He had to do something to be closer to Cas. 'I'll write him,' Dean thought, 'But how.' Dean was too exhausted to really think about exactly what he was going to do and how. Looking over at Cas's bed again he got up and walked over. Sitting on the bed he sighed and moved to lay down. He wrapped the blankets around him, taking a deep breath, he could smell Cas and it gave him some comfort. As he dozed off and began to sleep a tear left his eyes.

Cas's first day at the new base wasn't very fun. He already hated it at Cerro and he had barely been there a couple of hours. He missed Dean. Cas felt completely empty and lost without him. His whole world for the last few months had been ripped away from him in a matter of seconds.

But Cas knew he couldn't lose it here. He knew he would have to pretend like everything was ok if he was going to make it through his tour.

"Novak," Castiel heard someone call, turning he saw a superior officer and saluted, "I'm to take you where you are supposed to stay. I have also been informed of your… situation. Now I don't care about your personal business, but I will have none of that here, understood?"

"Understood," Castiel answered. He felt hurt, like salt was being rubbed into the wound that bled all over his body. 'Why would he think I would even do that with anyone else,' Castiel thought as he followed the officer, 'It's Dean, only Dean.'

The barracks here were different than the ones he was used to. These ones were more like the ones they used in training back home. So he was used to this, but that didn't make him feel any happier about the situation he was in. Putting his stuff on his new bed the officer said his goodbyes as Castiel saluted once again.

A few minutes later, some of the men began walking to wherever the dining area was. Cas didn't feel hungry. He felt sad. But he knew he should probably go get something to eat anyway even if he didn't really feel like it. Getting up, he followed the other men and got in line for his food.

Everything here was so different. Yes he was in a new place, but he was also alone. Cas felt like a part of him was missing. He missed everything about Dean, he missed simply having him by his side while they waited in line.

Cas ate his food without talking to anyone. 'I'm not here to make friends,' He thought. Castiel's whole disposition had changed. He no longer cared about others, anyone for that matter. Sure he would do what he could to help, but he felt like everyone was against him at this point.

A few days passed and the two began getting used to their new situations. Dean still didn't have a partner, and part of him was thankful for that. He didn't want anyone to take Cas's place. He knew once that happened, everything would become even more difficult.

Knocking on the General's door Dean took a deep breath. He was allowed in and sat down before the officer in front of him.

"What brings you here Winchester?"

"Sir," Dean hesitated, "I was wondering If y-you could maybe give me permission to send letters to Cas- I mean Novak."

Dean knew he wasn't allowed to get the location of Cas exactly buy he wanted to be able to send his letters to another soldier, which he was told is a bit more difficult.

"I will try. I know what you went through is tough, so I will make this a priority."

Dean let out a sigh in relief, "Expect an answer by tonight."

"Thank you so much, Sir," Dean said as he stood up saluting the General.

"No problem."

Just as Dean was told, he got an answer that night. A message was sent to him containing the information to which he could send the letter. Immediately, Dean sat down and got out a pen and paper. His heart raced as he thought about what to write. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he _needed_ to say. His mind had been racing all day. He was confused, overwhelmed.

Dean looked down and started writing.

_Hey Cas, how are you? _

_I miss you, a lot. This really sucks doesn't it? I'm really pissed off about what happened. Actually I'm a lot more than pissed and I'm kind of freaking out here. I guess I passed out after they took you away. But I'm fine now. So don't worry._

'I really don't want him to worry about me,' Dean thought as he continued writing.

_Anyway, how are you? _

'I already said that, didn't I?'

_I already said that didn't I? But really, I hope you're ok. I'm so sorry this happened. They should have at least taken me away. _

'This is so fucking not fair.'

_Especially after what you already went through. I know Cabrillo is really rough, and I really hope you are alright. I know you will be. We will be._

Dean paused and took a deep breath. Writing this letter was much harder than he thought it would be. Dean felt like shit he felt hopeless and alone. But he knew this was important.

_It's really not the same with you here. I don't really have anyone to talk to. And I don't have a partner anymore. Which I'm kind of happy about, I don't think I could handle anyone right now. _

_Cas I really don't know if I can do this without you. It sucks so much and we haven't even been apart for very long. Everything hurts and I feel like there's no reason for me to do anything. You give me a reason to stay strong and to keep going. And now that you're gone, it's so hard to feel motivated to do anything. But I know I'll be able to see you in a few weeks. And I'm so fucking excited for that._

_God I miss you._

Dean thought about Cas's touch. He could still feel it, and it made him happy to be able to remember it. He wanted to feel that again. He thought of the feeling of Cas's body on his and when they finally became one. His heart fluttered at the thought but it sunk as he remembered what he was dealing with now.

_I miss you so fucking much. Everything about you Cas. I want to kiss you so badly right now. I want to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright. I want to run my fingers through your hair and across your back. God this is really hard. I just hope you know how much you mean to me. The only reason I think I haven't gone crazy without you is because I know I'll be able to see you when our tours are over._

_Stay safe. Please stay safe. Know I'm always thinking of you, and that you're keeping me going. _

_Pretend my hand is laced with yours and I'm kissing you. Right now, I don't want anything in the world more than that._

_~Love Dean._

Cas hates it here. Every day he thinks it's going to get better, and it never does. very day Cas feels more and more alone. He feels disconnected from everyone else. He feels abandoned.

Cas knows he wasn't really abandoned, but it feels that way. He knows Dean wants to be with him right now, or at least he thinks he does. He tries to act relatively normal, except rumours are starting to go around camp as to why he was suddenly transferred.

He's heard just about everything in the books by now. Someone asked him if he killed another officer, and he heard someone whispering that he was a special operative. It's all bullshit to him, and frankly he doesn't really care what the other men decide to think about him. He just wants to serve his time and be done with it.

He goes through the motions for a few days trying to keep his spirits up when a letter arrives.

"Holy shit," he whispers as he sees the name on the letter, 'Dean Winchester,' It reads. Cas hurries back to his room before opening it, his heart racing the whole way there. He didn't really think Dean would be able to find him. It was already pretty hard for soldiers to send letters to each other between camps but he never thought Dean would get his information.

Ripping open the letter Cas's heart skipped a beat as he began reading.

_I miss you, a lot. This really sucks doesn't it?_

'I miss you too. Yea this fucking sucks.'

_I guess I passed out after they took you away. But I'm fine now. So don't worry._

'Don't worry are you fucking kidding me? What the hell Dean?'

_I already said that didn't I?_

'Dork.'

_Cas I really don't know if I can do this without you. It sucks so much and we haven't even been apart for very long. Everything hurts and I feel like there's no reason for me to do anything._

Cas felt his heart clench up. He knew exactly what Dean meant, he knew exactly how he felt. But he couldn't do anything about it.

_You give me a reason to stay strong and to keep going. And now that you're gone, it's so hard to feel motivated to do anything. But I know I'll be able to see you in a few weeks. And I'm so fucking excited for that._

Cas didn't want anything in the world more than to see Dean right now. He felt like shit, but he knew Dean could make it better. They needed to be together, Cas needs him.

_I miss you so fucking much. Everything about you Cas. I want to kiss you so badly right now. I want to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright._

Cas felt his eyes begin to fill with tears as he read. He felt his heart sink as he was reminded of their separation, of how far apart they truly were.

_The only reason I think I haven't gone crazy without you is because I know I'll be able to see you when our tours are over._

'I want to see you so badly,' Cas thought as a tear fell blurring the letters on the page.

_Pretend my hand is laced with yours and I'm kissing you. Right now, I don't want anything in the world more than that._

Cas let himself cry now. He felt his heart giving out as the pain hit him once again. He knew Dean wanted to be with him, he knew he was there in spirit, but he still felt so alone.

_~Love Dean._

Cas read the line over and over again, 'Love Dean.' He tried to control himself, but the tears just kept coming. He clenched his fist around the sheet he was sitting on as he whispered, "I love you." Over and over again Cas whispered the words. Cas knew he was in love with Dean and that he had fallen hard. Looking back at the words Dean had written, Cas couldn't help but think, 'Maybe he loves me too.'

Cas let himself sit there and cry. He knew he needed it. But after a few minutes and after reading the letter again. He pulled out some paper, a pen, and an envelope and began writing.

Cas didn't know exactly what to say, so he wrote everything that came to his mind.

_Dear Dean,_

_I'm glad you're ok. I miss you so much. I want to tell you that everything is ok and that I'm doing fine here, but I'm not. It sucks. Everything hurts without you and I feel so alone. I have barely spoken in the last few days, since we left each other, and I'm finding it very difficult to get used to being here, without you._

_I can't believe you fainted you dork! Seriously, what are we going to do without each other? But try not to worry about me too much, I'll be ok. Like you said, 'We'll be ok.' _

_God, I don't even know what I'm writing I just miss you so much, God this sucks. But I want you to know that I'm so thankful for you. Everything you have given me so far has been amazing. I'm so grateful for you and you already have changed my life so much, I want you to know that. _

_Don't forget how much you mean to me. Please never forget that. Remember that I'll stay safe, and that we'll see each other soon. And when we do, I'm gonna kiss you so hard you won't even remember that we were separated._

_Stay strong Dean. Know that I'm always thinking about you and that we both are going to be ok. I'll see you soon._

_Love, Cas_

Cas sealed the envelope and went out to send it to Dean. The air was cold and it hit him as he exited his quarters. Cas couldn't stop thinking about Dean's letter that he had send. He was thankful for it, and it really meant a lot to Cas.

Stopping in front of the mail slot, Cas held the letter tight and took a deep breath before pushing the envelope through the slip and walking away. He hoped Dean would get the letter soon and he would hear back quickly as well. What he really wanted was for Dean to be by his side, but he knew that wasn't going to happen.

Dean was finally assigned to work outside of camp. He was partly relieved for the change of pace, the distraction, but he missed the safety of the base. Currently he was stationed in a nearby town guarding the people and doing research on the area and its inhabitants, maintaining control.

He enjoyed the work, and had been assigned to group with new partners, two of them. Alcaraz and Getz were pretty cool, Dean thought, and he seemed to be getting along with them well enough. But he still fucking missed Cas.

His time at his new post was pretty uneventful. He heard reports of increased enemy activity, but they had yet to see it themselves. Despite the relative peace in their area, each day was tense. They had to be ready for anything. Just a few days prior a camp about seventy miles away had been attacked, and it didn't end well for either side.

When Dean got back to his room that night he saw a letter on his bed. It had been almost a week since he had sent his letter to Cas, and he was starting to wonder if it had even sent.

Dean immediately sat down, dropping his things, and ripped open the envelope. 'It's from Cas,' He thought as he began reading. He felt his heart sink as he read Cas describing how terrible he felt without Dean.

Laughing at Cas calling him a 'dork' for passing out, Dean felt his heart rise slightly.

'_We'll be ok,_' he read, repeating the words softly to himself.

_'__-You already have changed my life so much, I want you to know that,_' Dean wanted to know what that meant. Had he really changed Cas's life, Cas certainly changed his. He continued reading, _'Don't forget how much you mean to me. Please never forget that_.'

"I love you Cas," Dean said to himself feeling his heart rate quicken.

Dean found himself laughing soon after reading that Cas was going to kiss him so hard it would be as if they were never apart.

'_Love Cas.'_

'Love,' Dean read over and over again. "Love," he said out loud, trying to make sense of it all. He tried to remember what he had written. 'Maybe Cas just wanted to say what I said, and try not to make it awkward. I mean, there aren't many other good closings…'

Dean put the thought behind him as he got out his pen and paper and began writing. He wanted to tell Cas so much, to show him so much. But writing would have to do for now.


	12. More Bad News

Over the next few weeks Cas and Dean exchanged letters as much as possible. Between the delivery process that ended up being one letter sent every two or three days.

Their conversations tended not to change too much. They were both in a lot of pain and had no other way of dealing with it. Cas had expressed that he had been feeling worse and worse lately now that he was apart from Dean. His anxiety was becoming more of an issue even though it hadn't been too much of a problem prior to their separation. He told Dean that he felt much more cold and distanced from the world. Like he almost had no emotions and felt nothing but pain.

Dean said that he felt similar, and that Cas shouldn't worry because they would see each other in just two more weeks.

Neither of them could believe how quickly the whole tour was going by. Even though the last three weeks felt like eternity, they couldn't help but have a little bit of hope for when they would see each other soon enough.

Dean ate his dinner quickly that night in anticipation of his letter. He thought Cas's letter might arrive the night before, but since it hadn't, he knew it would be arriving that night. When he got back to his tent, nothing was waiting there for him.

A bit confused, Dean looked around the room and on the empty bed across from his, but he couldn't find anything. Dean began worrying a bit. The letters never arrived this late so far. Cas always replied as quickly as possible, as did he.

'Maybe the letters got mixed up in the mail.'

'Maybe my letter didn't even get sent to him.'

'What if I put the wrong address on it?'

"What if I didn't even put a stamp?"

Dean kept trying to figure out what had happened and ended up keeping himself up late into the night unable to sleep because of his anxiety.

The next day was rough. He didn't get very much sleep to say the least, and now he was becoming overwhelmed by anxiety.

"You ok Winchester," Getz asked after lunch.

"Y-yea, I'm fine."

"You look like something's wrong, like something bad happened," Alcaraz added.

"I'm fine guys, its ok," Dean lied, trying to act coy.

The rest of the day passed slowly. Every minute seemed to stretch out for days. And Dean found himself continually distracted from his duties and everything around. He couldn't take his mind off it. He was worried. He felt like something was wrong. Logic told him everything was all right. That there had just been some kind of mix up, but he couldn't push away the feeling in his gut.

When they got back late that night, Dean was barely able to eat. His nerves were on fire and he couldn't stop worrying about Cas. At this point, he had thought of every possible answer to what had happened. But in his mind, the worst had happened. Cas was hurt or dead. He couldn't expel the feeling he had.

After picking at his dinner for a few minutes, Dean rushed back to his tent and frantically searched for a letter. In a frenzy, Dean ended up ripping the sheets off both of the beds in an attempt to find the letter he was sure would be there. Dean's breathing increased as he searched everywhere in his small room.

After trashing the place he sat down on his bed and tried to calm himself down. His brain was thinking faster than he could comprehend his own thoughts. Dean couldn't focus on anything, everything was just racing throughout his mind.

He didn't know how long he ended up sitting there but eventually he fell asleep in his uniform, with the covers still on the floor.

Dean woke up cold and feeling terrible. Groaning as he rolled out of the bed Dean stood up and sluggishly got ready for the day.

Finally out in the field. He felt himself becoming more and more distracted as the day went by. Getz repeatedly tried to get his attention throughout the day to make sure he was ok, and to see if he was even paying attention to anything that was happening around him.

Dean's body felt numb. He knew something had happened.

At lunch that day he was almost completely disconnected from everyone around him. As he ate he heard a few words people were saying every now and then but mostly he was just blank.

"What did you just say," Dean asked frantically.

"What?"

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"I said, I heard the Cabrillo base was attacked a few days ago. I heard it was pretty bad, I mean a lot of people died they were saying."

Dean felt like all his blood had left his body. He was frozen in place as the words the other man was speaking turned into a low buzz in his ears. He felt like he had just been punched in the gut. 'He's dead,' he thought, 'He's fucking dead.'

'Hey are you ok," Alcaraz asked.

Dean didn't even hear him. He could feel his face getting wet, but couldn't understand why. Everything around him was gone and he was completely alone. He felt like everything in his life had disappeared.

"But it's just a rumour," the other man said, "It's probably not true."

"Y-yea…" Dean replied softly, trying to regain composure.

He wiped his face off and slowly began eating his food as everyone else around him continued as normal.

"Dean," Alcaraz said, "I'm sure he's fine, it's going to be ok."

"Who are you talking about," Dean asked defensively.

"Your boyfriend, or whatever. We were told when you were assigned to us. What happened to you guys was wrong. But I'm sure he's ok."

"Yea, sure," Dean said softly.

He knew Alcaraz had no idea what had actually happened, just like everyone else around him.

Dean was barely able to continue through the day. He kept blanking out and not paying attention to anything his partners said to him. And he even tripped a few times because he couldn't be bothered to pay attention.

When he got back that night. He didn't eat. He sat in his room for a few hours before deciding to go out and walk around for a bit and try to calm his nerves.

As he was walking, every scenario played in his head over and over again. He kept wondering if what the other guys had said was true, if Cabrillo really had been attacked, if Cas was hurt, dead.

Eventually Dean noticed the General across the way, and decided to go talk to him.

"Winchester, I've been meaning to talk to you about something."

"What the hell happened," Dean asked.

When the General didn't reply Dean continued, "Cabrillo. What happened?"

"Dean, I'm not supposed t-"

"I don't fucking care about what you're supposed to do. Tell me what happened. You owe me this," Dean felt his voice shaking as he felt himself losing control. He was worried, scared, mad, helpless, alone.

"Four days ago, at 0437, Cabrillo was attacked. Thirty seven are dead. Eighty nine are injured, and twenty three are uninjured."

Dean began breathing faster and faster as the General spoke. He felt his legs going numb and his heart breaking over and over again.

"Cas- what happened?"

"I can't tell you tha-"

"What happened?"

"Novak was taken back in critical condition. They do not know if he will survive."

Dean didn't say anything. He felt like everything in his body had just turned into led. His brain was on fire and his chest was filled with pain.

"Dean, they don't think he is going to make it."

Dean looked at the General before his eyes filled with tears. He felt the world around him spinning. His legs finally gave out as his body began shutting down and succumbing to shock.

On his hands and knees. Dean felt his stomach fill with nausea before the threw up, coughing up everything inside of him. As he hyperventilated trying to regain his breath, Dean said, "You. This is your fault."

Lifting his head Dean continued, "You killed him. It's your fucking fault he's gonna die. It's your fault."

"Winchester, I-"

"Don't fucking talk to me, It's your fault, your fault."

Dean felt his muscled tense up as he felt all the warmth in his body leave him. He began crying out in pain as his head began pounding.

"We need help over here-" Dean heard someone say.

"'S your fault-" Dean said, before once again passing out.


	13. Almost Home

Dean woke up the next afternoon confused and disoriented.

"Cas," He said, looking around the room.

One of the medics made their way over to Dean to see if he was ok.

"Winchester, how are you feeling?"

"Where's Cas?"

"I'm not sure to whom you are referring, but he isn't here."

The medic scribbled down something onto the notes on his clipboard before walking away.

'What the hell happened,' Dean thought, trying to understand what was going on.

He thought back trying to remember anything. 'We kissed,' he thought, 'We had sex, and then-'

His heart sank as it all came back to him flooding in. He remembered Cas having to leave, he remembered being so alone. Dean sat there as his body once again was filled with pain, and then he remembered what happened to Cabrillo.

He felt his body clench up at the thought of what might have happened to Cas. He knew that he was hurt, badly. But he had no idea if he would make it out alive or not. He was terrified. He couldn't do anything to help Cas and that just made it all the worse.

As Dean lay in his cot, he started thinking of what he could do once he got back, in order to get to Cas.

He only had six days left in his tour which for him seemed like eternity. He decided that once he got back, he would contact all the military hospitals trying to find Cas. He didn't know much about Cas's family. He knew a few of their names, so he figured he could try searching for them.

Dean realized he would need to tell Sam what he was doing. There wouldn't be much of a welcome back party if he needed to find Cas right away. Dean realized he could talk to Sam and ask him to start looking for where Cas was being treated. Dean wanted to get out of the medic station as soon as possible. The quicker he got out, the quicker he would be able to start looking for Cas.

The next morning he was discharged and was back doing work. The day once again went by slowly as Dean was worrying about Cas all day. It was difficult for Dean to stay focused and to do his job well. It felt like everything that mattered to him was at risk of disappearing completely.

Immediately when Dean got back to camp that night he made his way over to make a skype call with Sam.

"I'm really sorry this happened Dean," Sam said after hearing what had happened to Cas.

"Thanks," Dean said looking down, "So anything you can manage will be really helpful. If you can call all the military hospitals that take soldiers once they get back and ask for him. And maybe try to find his family."

"I'll do my best."

"I know it's a lot to ask, and I'm sorry man. It's just- I need him Sammy."

"I know. We'll find him, I promise."

"Thanks."

"See you soon Dean"

"Yea," Dean said finally smiling, "See you soon."

Two day later Dean was still struggling to get by. He knew he had to finish he tour, but he felt completely spaced out all the time. Dean knew he wasn't doing a very good job, and that he was now a liability. He was just thankful his partners were understanding, and cut him some slack.

He only had four days left, but it felt like eternity. Not only was he now alone. The one thing he was looking forward to, seeing Cas when they both got back, might not even be possible. The fear of knowing that Cas might be dead was almost too much for Dean to handle. He was constantly in pain, and his mind was always playing over and over again Cas dying, and Dean not being able to help at all.

When Dean got back that night, Sam had some information for him.

"So I was able to contact his family. I got a hold of his sister, I think Anna or something."

"That's her," Dean said.

"Anyway, she says Cas talked about you a few times, but I don't think she knew how close you guys really are. Anyway, she says he's at Victoria Memorial Hospital outside Boston."

"Thank you so much Sam. Did she say how he was doing?"

"She says he's in a coma, and they don't know when he will wake up, but he's stable. He broke a few ribs, has multiple burns, and received a large concussion. They just don't know. Apparently one of his ribs punctured his lung, but they were able to fix that. I'm really sorry Dean."

Dean took a moment to let it all sink in before replying. He had known Cas was hurt, and he was grateful he was alive. But it felt once again like all feeling had left his body.

"That's ok, and thank you."


End file.
